Monday, February 28, 2011

Ode To A Key Holder: My Annual Creatively-Written Review!

The Good: Inexpensive, Cheap, Magnetic and neat!
The Bad: Not truly a safe place to leave anything.
The Basics: A very average product, the Ultra Hardware magnetic key holder does everything a magnetic key holder ought to, even after five year's use.

[DISCLAIMER: Once a year, I write a review in a format atypical for reviews (like when I wrote my take on Quarantine in the form of an interview with myself here!). Despite the unorthodox style, I endeavor to include all of the information I would include in a standard review, I just try to shake up the style. Tonight, while looking through my tool box for my next review there, I found a ridiculously simple product and I began to make up little rhymes about it. Please consider that this review includes all of the key (pun intended) information about the product before disregarding it! And with that . . .]

Once Upon A Key Holder!

Five years ago, at a special event,
My new father-in-law a great deal of money spent,
As a housewarming gift, a toolbox he gave
Filled with all sorts of tools, new and old, which were all the rage!
Amid wrenches and hammers and screwdrivers (Phillip's head and flat),
Was an Ultra Hardware Magnetic Key Holder stuck in the back.
My father-in-law grinned and said with a sigh,
"With that, at your new house, you'll never be locked outside."

But wary was I, to leave my keys out of doors,
Even in rural areas there are brigands and thieves and hmm [can't write that here!] bores!
So weeks and weeks later, locked out I found myself,
Wishing I had a key, that it was not hanging inside by the shelf.
So I made a spare key and brought it to my mom,
Saying, "For when I lock myself out or am otherwise gone.
You'll have a key and I'll be able to get in,
Locking my keys inside makes me feel dim!"

And not too long after, I locked myself out in Spring,
Not knowing my neighbors turned out to be such a bad thing!
So I walked the ten miles to my mother's house two towns away
(The car keys were locked inside with the house keys, what can I say?!)
And picked up the spare key and she drove me home again,
Saying the whole time, "This is such a pain!"
So I went back to my toolbox and found the Magnetic Key Holder
And decided to see if my problem it could shoulder.
This little black box, was it truly the answer?
I'd give it a try and then have the answer!*

So I inspected this simple device, turned it over and over in my hand,
How safe did it make me feel? It felt like it was tin!
But it is actually steel with a black enamel finish,
Using it was intuitive; it was a cinch!
The box was two and a half inches long by one and a half inches wide,
With a height of only three eighths of an inch, how could anything fit inside?
In fact, the inside height was a whole eighth of an inch shorter
Because the magnet on the bottom was 1/8" and circular.

Almost an inch in diameter, the magnet I found on the bottom in the center,
But would it work, I asked my mentor?
My father-in-law assured me the magnet would never give up
And after five years and a divorce, I'd have to say "Sure enough!"
My ex-father-in-law was right, the magnet did not give up even when the marriage was broken,
To say this is a surprisingly durable product, no truer words were spoken!
The magnet sticks to iron, it attaches firmly to steel
And if it's well-hidden, the keys inside will not be steal
(Well, stolen, actually, if you pardon the rhyme,
It's important to find a secure hiding place, do take your time!).
My partner at the time and I, we found a nice place; under our steel roof
Despite pounding rain, thunder, and snow, it never moved, my word is the proof!
The magnet it stuck, as now it sticks in its new secret place,
Knowing I have a secure key outside allowed me to retire my worried face.
So the magnet is tough, in years and years, it has never demagnetized!
I'm not sure I would have believed it if I had not seen it with my own eyes.

Use of the magnetic key holder could not be more simple,
Sliding it open is easier than popping a pimple.
The steel base with the magnet on the bottom has a simple metal top,
Which wraps around the base with tracks that only stop
On one side which allows the cover to slide away to open this up.
Pull the cover back along the track and it will close up!**
The key holder is secure because there is only a single direction the cover may go;
Away from the end without the metal flap, the design is so
Smart even a fool can operate this key holder
(Which is why a good hiding place is so vital to the owner!).
As for the capacity, aye there's the rub,
It claims it may hold six keys, but there it's a dud!
Unless one has six house keys arranged three facing left and three facing right,
This key holder will not hold them; it is not a pretty sight!
I quickly discovered that I needed a key to my house and another for my car,
Held in the magnetic key holder, else I'd have to walk far.
The key holder held these two, but surely no more!
That Honda key was huge, else I'm sure I could have fit four
Keys in this holder, to say the least;
This key holder does not hold large car keys, certainly not one that's a beast!
But even with the weight of a pair of keys for car and house,
The Magnetic Key Holder was not dislodged by bird, bat or mouse
(All of which had periodically gotten into the area the holder was hidden
This Magnetic key holder certainly did what it promised, there's no reason it should be forbidden!).

Because of the frost, because of condensation, because of cracks in caulk,
My Magnetic Key Holder has gotten wet over the years, but no need to balk!
This solid key holder, so sturdily built, has not rusted a bit,
It does not rust at all, no need for a fit!

But those in areas dealing with a lot of crime,
Might want a more secure key holder, take the time
To know the area you're in and the security needs there,
The Ultra Hardware Magnetic Key Holder offers no protection there!***
Easy to open, easy to take, this magnetic key holder is easy to make
Off with itself or the contents within, so for heaven's sake
Think about what you place in this durable little box.
One thumb opens it easily, you don't need to be strong as an ox.

And if you should lose it, if it happens to go away,
No need to wait to remarry, these are inexpensive enough to say,
"I will go down to the store, where I will buy another,
Maybe I'll buy two or three and one for my mother!"
At about a dollar fifty each these make good stocking stuffers,
But if you don't lose it, you'll never need another.
Now I live somewhere else, still in a rural setting,
And I have my Magnetic Key Holder, for when my keys I am forgetting.
I still lock myself out (occasionally)
But with the Magnetic Key Holder, I live fearlessly!

* If Avril Lavigne can rhyme the same word with itself, so can I!
** Sorry about that, I'm blaming Avril Lavigne's influence again; if that won't fly, I'll blame Alanis Morissette's!
*** Okay, Shakespeare didn't rhyme words with themselves, but a lot of artists today do!

For other hardware reviews, please check out my takes on:
Great Neck Saw 16 oz. Mallet
Stanley 60-006 6 5/8" Cabinet Screwdriver
Plano Pro X 16" Toolbox


For other hardware reviews, please visit my index page for an organized listing!

© 2011, 2009 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.

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