For internal use only.
As you know, our main client, Justin Bieber, committed something of a faux pas when he recently visited the Anne Frank House, by signing the guest book with a comment suggesting that Anne Frank would have made a good Belieber. What we want to avoid is any sort of Mel Gibson-esque rant where our client suggests that Belieberism might have worked out better for Frank than Judaism did. To that end, we have crafted a few potential responses for the upcoming press conference and would like to come to a consensus internally before advising our client. The options, as we see it, to cull from include:
1.Whimsy and self-depreciation. After a brief apology, our client explains his actions by holding up a photograph of Selena Gomez and states, “Up until recently, I was tapping this. I broke it off with her, so clearly, I have gone insane.” The world would understand.
2.Tribute. After a brief apology, our client announces that his next album, previously planned to be entitled Celebrity Crush will be renamed Songs For Anne. None of the content will be changed.
3.Sympathy. After a brief apology, our client should give a teary tribute to the trials and tribulations of all those who suffered through the Holocaust. He will then explain that he is a fan of Anne Frank and that what he meant the comment as a sign of his respect for her. He could close, with tears in his eyes, with the phrase, “Maybe if Anne Frank had had dance music, the Holocaust wouldn’t have been so bad for her.”
4. Cultivate the “bad boy” image. We’ve been given the opportunity to rebrand our client. Without apologizing, our client should simply explain his actions by stating directly, “I was in Amsterdam; I was high at the time.”
5. Honesty. After a brief apology, our client explains that he is the recipient of the finest American education from private tutors that money can buy, “I didn’t even know there was a Holocaust!”
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© 2013 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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