Illusions Of Originality, Realities Of Disappointment: The Illusionist

The Good: Moments of plot, Moments of acting, Special effects
The Bad: Light on character, Predictable, Derivative, Inconsistent accents
The Basics: In The Illusionist, which is filmed big, the viewer waits for something remarkable and instead finds something exceptionally common.


It was not my idea to watch The Illusionist, but out of the choices I was presented, it seemed like the best option of the bunch. Having now watched it, I wonder what I was missing by not seeing Quills. The Illusionist suffers from a death of a thousand cuts, but fundamentally it was unworthy of recommendation for its lack of originality. Neil Burger essentially rewrites The Usual Suspects (reviewed here!) as a love story and it's fairly blah.

Eisenheim, a young illusionist, has exceptional talent. As a child he had a brief infatuation with Sophie, a girl of a better station in life. Separated by finances and social standing, Sophie and Eisenheim separate and are reunited years later in Vienna where they rekindle their love. Sophie, unfortunately, is soon to be wed to the Crown Prince Leopold who is the jealous type. When Sophie is killed, Eisenheim's illusions seem to conjure her and Inspector Uhl is caught between righting a murder and the obligations of protecting the monarchy.

Now the thing is, I respect some of the bigger actors in The Illusionist. Rufus Sewell, who plays the Crown Prince Leopold, was amazing in Dark City (reviewed here!) Edward Norton was fabulous in The 25th Hour (reviewed here!). Unfortunately, The Illusionist does not make use of most of the acting talents in the movie. Edward Norton and Jessica Biel (Sophie) fail to carry their accents, making many of the moments of their performances worthy of wincing. Rufus Sewell is outfitted with the most ridiculous looking mustache seen in film since . . . well, possibly ever.

The only actor who stood out for me was Paul Giamatti. Giamatti gained my attention for his role as the artistic buffoon in Cradle Will Rock (reviewed here!) where I had the sense he was being underused. Here Giamatti shines with an intellectual performance that rightfully earns him second billing. Giamatti is convincing as Uhl and his conflict, that of morality vs. preservation of State is the only truly original aspect of The Illusionist. He steals every scene he is in.

The other noteworthy aspect of The Illusionist is the quality of the special effects. The Illusionist utilizes state of the art special effects and there is no sense of that in the film. That is to say, we never truly feel like we are watching a special effects movie. Instead, this has the feel of watching an actual magic show, with all of the clever insinuations of bending reality and misdirection that comes with that.

Unfortunately, the one performance and the effects are not enough to save The Illusionist. Its pacing is way off, with a strong beginning that quickly degenerates into a series of plodding events that make the viewer wish we were back at the beginning already. The film is unnaturally slow and it is disturbing to watch the pace of the movie abruptly hit the breaks. I was mildly surprised to see the movie was 110 minutes; the film had the feel of being barely 90 minutes with much of the time being spent with filler to get it up to the minimum recommended length. In short, what Burger might have intended to use to set mood merely delays the inevitable.

Sadly, the romance in The Illusionist is nothing to write home about. There is no chemistry between Biel and Norton and less between Biel and Sewell. Instead, we are subjected to generally passionless characters acting or reacting with the supposed motivations of love and jealousy that the viewer never feels is a serious motivation for any of the characters involved.

And there are nitpicky details, which are almost always a problem in movies that hinge on a reversal like the one required to end The Illusionist. So, for example, Inspector Uhl returns to where he believes Sophie was killed some time after her murder and finds a clue. He finds the clue in the hay in a stable. Unless these are the cleanest horses in history, given that some time has passed, one would think the hay would have been changed. This is just one of the things that leaps instantly into my mind.
More problematic are the character aspects and how the actors attempt and surrender accents at various points in the movie. Regardless of the minutiae, the resolution to The Illusionist is terrible and it boggles my mind how the movie was made given that the end is such an obvious rip-off of The Usual Suspects, which is a vastly superior film.

For other films with magic as a component, be sure to visit my reviews of:
Death Defying Acts
The Last Airbender
The Voyage Of The Dawn Treader

4.5/10

For other film reviews, be sure to check out my Movie Review Index Page for an organized listing!

© 2012, 2007 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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Goody Ouchless No Metal Elastics Are, Quite Simply, The Best Elastic Hair Accessory!

The Good: They do not damage hair, Virtually impossible to break, Stylish
The Bad: Comparatively expensive
The Basics: Goody Ouchless No Metal Elastics are the last hair elastic band you should buy!


There are many things that women take for granted in their interactions with men. Because of how women are raised with so much attention to hygiene and beauty, they (as a general rule) seem to assume that males get the same training. This, however, is very much not the case. In fact, without a woman’s influence, most men would probably not realize the importance of hair conditioner, much less use it. But one of the common ways women can help men is by giving them direction when they start to grow their hair long.

The average man who decides to grow his hair out is probably doing it for the right reasons (i.e. to look dead sexy, to star in a movie involving pirates and/or to dress as a hippie for Halloween in six months). That desire, though, does not come with a manual. In addition to instructing men on how to condition their hair, one of the best thing women (or other men with long hair who see their hapless young friends preparing to grow their hair out) can do is introduce guys to Goody Ouchless No Metal Elastics.

The Goody Ouchless No Metal Elastics are marketed as part of Goody Ouchless’s “Little Black Dress” collection, which is utterly baffling to me. I’ve not seen a man with long hair who never wears black. Besides, black – as the Goody Ouchless No Metal Elastics are – goes with everything. Goody can both improve hair health and male fashion all at once, if they’d just target these hair elastics as something more androgynous. And Goody Ouchless No Metal Elastics are very much worth picking up and getting excited about. Outside their price, they are a perfect hair elastic.

Goody Ouchless No Metal Elastics are nylon and elastic rings approximately 2” in diameter. With round bands that are a little over 1/8” in diameter, do not slip and, most importantly, they do not tear apart hair. Unlike rubber bands (the preferred method used by men to hold back their hair until a woman sets them straight), Goody Ouchless No Metal Elastics do not tear or fray hair, so they are a great way to bing one’s hair in a ponytail, pigtails or more elaborate hairstyles.

Goody Ouchless No Metal Elastics are exceptionally durable. Held together with an insanely powerful adhesive, the Goody Ouchless No Metal Elastics lose their elasticity far more often than they actually snap. Out of the seventeen I purchased a year ago, five are no longer in circulation because they were stretched to the point they lost their elasticity and one snapped. That leaves eleven that are still in perfect working order!

I tend to gripe whenever I have to pay for anything that is, ultimately, disposable. My assessment of Goody Ouchless No Metal Elastics is more of a comparative measure. Goody is a name brand (and a quality one at that!) and at $2.50/17, the Goody Ouchless No Metal Elastics are not overpriced. However, compared to a bulk pack of hair elastics that are thinner and have metal, they are a bit pricy. I suspect that objective testing would prove that by the time one went through seventeen of the Goody Ouchless No Metal Elastics, they would go through at least fifty thinner, cheaper hair elastic alternatives.

For those who exercise quite a bit, Goody Ouchless No Metal Elastics are a wonderful option for keeping hair in place while exercising. The cloth-like nylon coating does not corrode easily and the Goody Ouchless No Metal Elastics may be washed, so if you sweat in them, they do not have to smell like it!

Ultimately, Goody Ouchless No Metal Elastics are a great hair product that anyone with long hair should stock up on!

For other hair care products, be sure to visit my reviews of:
Color Oops Extra Strength Hair Color Remover
Bath & Body Works Rain Kissed Leaves Volumizing Shampoo
VO5 Moisture Milks Strawberries & Cream Moisturizing Conditioner

9/10

For other health and beauty product reviews, be sure to visit my Health And Beauty Review Index Page for an organized listing!

© 2012 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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Divorced From The Marketing, Prometheus Is Still More Than “Alien: The Next Generation!”

The Good: Interesting characters, Engaging philosophical elements, Great effects, Decent pacing, Good initial story, Good acting.
The Bad: Plot develops into something far too familiar (derivative).
The Basics: With Prometheus, a science vessel inadvertently awakens a powerful, potentially malevolent force that might redefine humanity’s understanding of itself!


Entering 2012, there was no film I was more excited about than The Dark Knight Rises (reviewed here!). From pretty much the moment Anne Hathaway was cast as Selina Kyle, I was psyched. But on New Year’s Day, I visited the IMDB and saw the movie poster for Prometheus posted there. And I began to look into what the film was about. And suddenly, there was a new movie I was anticipating. With the earliest press about Prometheus debating whether or not the movie, which Ridley Scott had announced as the story of the “space jockey” from Alien, would actually be a prequel to Alien, I was hooked on every scrap of information that was released about Prometheus.

So, I began to consider what a prequel would actually mean. If the film was actually going to be about the giant alien seen in the crashed derelict spacecraft in Alien, it would – I reasoned – have to be set quite some time ago. After all, the “space jockey” was a fossil. So, it seemed logical that any real prequel to Alien that focused on the space jockey would have to be about how that crescent-shaped ship crashed on the planet with the methane crystals in the atmosphere. To satisfy fans – and I am a fan of the Alien Quadrilogy (reviewed here!) – it would have to establish the space jockey setting the twelve-second repeating beacon that the Nostromo was sent to investigate and answer how the space jockey became infected with the alien that burst out of its chest, leaving the fossilized remains.

By those criteria, Prometheus is not a prequel to Alien. Set in the same universe as Alien, Prometheus is an entirely tangential story that populates the Alien universe more than it has been (in Aliens, one of the Marines refers to Ripley’s seeing an alien in such a derisive tone that makes it sound like humans have not had much experience with extraterrestrials, despite other Marines referring to sex with the, presumably, androgynous Arcturians). A science fiction-horror film that tries to be smart and cerebral, Prometheus develops into a fight for survival on a distant world that is likely to please the fans of the Alien franchise.

Except for those looking for something truly new.

The only real, lasting, disappointment from Prometheus is that the build-up implied that the film would be something truly new and different. For all of the incredible aspects of Prometheus, the plot structure too-closely mirrors other installments in the Alien franchise, so that the film that originally seemed audacious enough to truly do its own thing, eventually becomes a whittling down process that seems more like it is trying to squeeze back into the mold, as opposed to truly break it.

That said, Prometheus is incredible and must be seen on the big screen (biggest possible!) in order to truly appreciate the depth, scope and grandeur of all its aspects, even its scariest ones.

Following the discovery on Earth of potential extraterrestrial influence with disparate ancient civilizations, the Weyland Corporation sends an expedition to a remote sector of space in the hopes of discovering who those aliens were and how they influenced humanity. The android, David, awakens the crew of the science ship Prometheus, who include scientists, the ship’s captain and a representative from the Weyland Corporation, Meredith Vickers. Landing on a moon around a gas giant, the Prometheus crew finds an alien structure and inside they discover alien bodies. They also find storage containers. With a sandstorm coming that will cut off the team from the landed ship, the chief scientists – Shaw and Holloway – and David return to the Prometheus.

Aboard the Prometheus, the scientists study an alien head they recovered, while David opens one of the alien containers and infects Holloway with material from it. With the storm passed, another team returns to the temple to find those left behind dead. David accesses another level of the temple, which is actually an alien space ship. While Holloway’s health worsens, David learns that the aliens had, in fact, been to Earth and they may still have plans for it. Desperate to stop the spread of the parasites that are growing within Holloway and Shaw, as well as prevent the ancient aliens from returning to Earth to wipe out humanity, Vickers, Captain Janeck, David, and Shaw work against the alien entities and the sinister Weyland Corporation.

Prometheus is notable in that it does what both great science fiction and great films do; it successfully tries to explore something greater than itself. In many ways, Prometheus is an incredibly well-detailed extension of the old adage that one should not look into the face of their own gods. Elizabeth Shaw is, from a young age, motivated by a strong desire to learn and seek her creator. While she is a scientist, she adopts the idea that humanity was seeded on Earth and the artwork from ancient cultures implies to her that the engineers of humanity’s development returned or lived among ancient humans. Hers is a quest to, essentially, seek out her god.

In many ways, that is the quest of David, as well. Programmed by the Weyland Corporation, David has a full understanding that his programming is limited to a human mindset. David wants to experience something more and his place in Prometheus solidifies the metaphor of the dangers of seeking god, especially when one has something they want of it. Both Shaw and David yearn for discovery (though David has been programmed alternative directives) and Prometheus starts as their search.

But the theme of exploring humanity’s origins and trying to understand who we are and why we exist comes to a pretty abrupt end once Holloway is infected. Instead of simply following that course and trying to provide the audience with answers which were bound to disappoint theists everywhere, Prometheus takes a right turn into horror. The cerebral aspects of Prometheus are not completely negated or done away with – there is an entire conspiracy plotline that becomes far more active in the film’s latter half that is smartly presented – but once Holloway and Shaw become human incubators, Prometheus makes the transition from mildly scary science fiction to an action adventure film that is more in line with the standard horror film than Star Trek or Star Wars.

Prometheus manages to present engaging characters – which might be why it is so disturbing that the film turns into the bloodbath it does. While there are a few members of the Prometheus crew who never leap into being more than background characters, the main crew is remarkably well-defined. Even Vickers, who initially is cast as a cold, efficient, Company-oriented woman who might seem to have no real personality to her outside a sense of ruthless efficiency, is given a compelling reason for all of her actions in the film’s latter half. The relationship between Shaw and Holloway (who is an atheist) works well as an “opposites attract” type relationship while they share a common interest in the archaeological evidence they collated prior to the flight and a sense of adventure that makes their journey together seem plausible.

But, like Alien, Prometheus takes a step back from its characters to become a film that is a series of confrontations and desperate escapes. This, of course, leaves the viewer feeling somewhat jerked around as the characters one gets invested in in Prometheus do not have great chances of survival and the body count in the film is predictably high.

What sets Prometheus apart from other science fiction horrors, in addition to the philosophy and stronger sense of characters at the film’s outset, is the caliber of acting. Prometheus might seem to be playing with a stacked deck with Charlize Theron, Idris Elba, and Michael Fassbender (with brief initial roles from Patrick Wilson and Guy Pearce as well), but the performers truly do give something new of themselves, each and every one. In Prometheus, Elba has a more casual and accessible role as Janeck than in any other role I have yet seen him. He is professional, but approachable and Elba plays Janeck as a guy who cares, which offsets Theron’s Vickers very nicely, as they share many scenes together.

As for Charlize Theron, Prometheus gives her a nice chance to play villainous with more purpose than she was able to illustrate in Snow White And The Huntsman (reviewed here!). Theron plays steely well and she makes Meredith Vickers often feel less human than Michael Fassbender’s David, but she makes the role work. As Vickers is given more backstory, Theron infuses more emotion to her, without ever making the character go through any form of ridiculous transition. Theron establishes Vickers with a strong sense of personality and she never slips from that.

As the resident android, David, in Prometheus, Michael Fassbender obviously has a significant acting challenge. Fassbender continues to impress with his range as David. In Prometheus, he manages to play a character that is clearly not human, while making him seem more than just a guy with somewhat stiff mannerisms. For lack of a better analogy, Fassbender does not make David into a character like Star Trek: The Next Generation’s Data, as an android searching for what it means to be human. Instead, Fassbender manages to simply embody an android by acting soulless. His performance is without spark or zest and that wonderfully frees him to make David seem like an android, without making him unsympathetic. Fassbender dominates his scenes and he still has the ability to evoke complex emotions with simply a look.

The obvious protagonist in Prometheus is Elizabeth Shaw, played by Noomi Rapace. Prometheus is actually the first film I have seen Rapace in and it was enough to make me willing to look her up in other works. She plays Shaw’s idealism exceptionally well – with literal wide-eyed excitement and she is credible in the film’s later sequences which require her to seem both tormented and as something of an action heroine.

The effects in Prometheus are absolutely amazing, making it a visual wonder that ought to be viewed on the biggest possible screen. Having now seen it again, this time in IMAX 3-D, I have to say that is THE way to see Prometheus! Ridley Scott uses the whole canvass for the IMAX presentation and even on that, there are several moments, like when the Prometheus is entering orbit and the atmosphere, that the ship is tiny, even in IMAX. It will be virtually impossible to see on DVD!

The 3-D effects for the IMAX presentation are simply stunning. Because the film was filmed in 3-D, the effects are like watching a box filled with characters and settings, as opposed to post-produced 3-D, which basically looks like two levels. Prometheus is rich in depth, even in the smaller moments, in 3-D IMAX.

As well, the audio presentation is exceptional. Events like the silt pounding the ship and crew make one's chair vibrate from the intensity and the climax of the film is so much richer with the IMAX soundsystem. I was also much more aware of the soundtrack the second time through and the haunting theme to Prometheus lends the film a wonderful sense of adventure and, later, horror.

But Prometheus is not flawless; it’s own familiarity robs it of that. But for fans of the Alien franchise who have been looking for something exciting that is new but on the familiar canvass, after so many false starts and disappointing sequels, Prometheus feels like coming home.

For other works with Micheal Fassbender, please be sure to visit my reviews of:
Haywire
X-Men: First Class
Jonah Hex
300

9.5/10

For other film reviews, please be sure to check out my Movie Review Index Page for an organized listing of all of the films I have reviewed!

© 2012 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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Upon Further Review, Spin City "Season One" Is Far More Average Than Extraordinary.

The Good: Moments of humor, Interesting characters, Decent acting
The Bad: Quickly sacrifices concept for familiar, Several gags that hold up poorly over rewatching.
The Basics: All twenty-four episodes on two discs from the first season of Spin City remind viewers how the show started high and quickly became something familiar.


For celebrities who peak young, there is often a lag between the project that makes them a household name and the one that illustrates that that initial success was not a fluke. There are few actors who create iconic characters who are later able to come back and form equally iconic roles afterward. Take, for example, Ted Danson. Danson's role on Cheers was his defining role and while he had Becker afterward, it was never as popular as Cheers and he is likely never to be identified more as Dr. Becker than Sam Malone. See? Even though it has been over a decade since I last saw an episode of Cheers, I could recall the character's name.

One of the other 80s actors that comes easily to mind as one who has created a seminal role for himself is Michael J. Fox. Fox arguably peaked early with his role of Alex P. Keaton on Family Ties. Still, as Fox searched for roles after that comedy, it seemed like more often than not, his projects were referred to as "vehicles." The most successful Michael J. Fox vehicle to date - and possibly the final chance Fox might have to make a recognizable character for his resume - was Spin City. After years stuck on DVD with mediocre "best of" collections, Spin City has been released as complete season DVDs. The thing is, upon rewatching Spin City "Season One" the show seems suddenly less audacious than it did when it originally aired and my excitement over it diminished when watching the set twice.

Mike Flaherty is the deputy mayor of New York City under Mayor Randall M. Winston, Jr., a wealthy ridiculous mayor whose marriage is on the rocks. But Mayor Winston's idiocy aside, Mike's job is made a hundred times more difficult by the fact that he is dating a prominent reporter, Ashley. Having moved in with Ashley, Mike works to keep his home life and work life separate, though he often finds himself working with his problematically witless staff to keep Ashley from breaking stories that Mike is not yet ready to become news.

As part of his daily job, Mike finds himself voted Sexiest Man in New York City, negotiating a strike with the sanitation workers, haggling with a real estate developer who is a personal friend, keeping a Mayor For A Day contest winner from undoing Mayor Winston's agenda, dealing with a snowstorm, appeasing the deaf community, and ultimately, dealing with a missing mayor. Mike's team keeps him on his toes as he takes onto the staff a militant gay rights activist, an egoist, and more idiots than most people should ever have to deal with!

I remember loving Spin City. In fact, I recall loving it so much that when my Creative Writing professor in college noted that Carla Gugino's Ashley was being booted from the series, I was as outraged as one could be. Actually, I remember raising my voice and scoffing about how stupid a move it was and that Ashley leaving - which she does after about eleven episodes - gutted the concept of Spin City. And it is true. The show begins as a clever play wherein Mike Flaherty must juggle his home life and his work and for the first dozen episodes, the show is original, funny and has almost limitless potential. The latter dozen episodes in this boxed set feature Mike Flaherty simply going through the motions of dating.

This is not to say there are no funny moments in the second half of the season; "Deaf Becomes Her" and "Hot In The City" have some hilarious lines. In fact, "Hot In The City," wherein an ex-girlfriend of Mike's seeks to have his baby by capturing some of his sperm, is enduringly funny. But episodes like "Kiss Me, Stupid" and "Bone Free" could belong to virtually any sitcom in the past fifty years. That unfortunate level of interchangability in the characters and situations - and even the writing with the gags that the show is supposed to hinge on - is not present in the first few episodes and the show suffers some as a result.

Fans of Spin City who were attentive to the show will be glad to know that the DVD boxed set of Season One contains the original episodes as they aired. For those who watched the show, there was a disturbing trend; several episodes (like "The High And The Mighty") appeared on television in two ways. There was the original aired version - with Ashley present and in a supporting role - and a rerun version following Gugino's departure from the series where Ashley was removed from the episode and the scenes with her were reshot with other reporters asking questions of Mike or Paul.

Still, at its best, Spin City works because it is a character-driven sitcom. In the first season, the primary characters include:

Mike Flaherty - Deputy Mayor. He is constantly putting out brush fires around city hall. He goes head to head with his girlfriend, Ashley, about what the public has a right to know and what is a work in progress. He loves Ashley and when she leaves, he is heartbroken . . . for a time. Sexy and fun, Mike delegates responsibilities and largely attempts to keep City Hall functioning by keeping the Mayor out of the loop whenever possible,

Mayor Randall M. Winston Jr. - The Mayor of New York City. He is addle brained and trusts Mike implicitly. He and his wife are on the rocks and as he turns 50, he discovers Mike might be his best friend as well as subordinate,

Paul Lassiter - Press Secretary. More or less an idiot, Paul is constantly stymied by the press and Ashley walks all over him. He is mugged and lives in fear for a time, but finds a strange companion in . . . the Mayor,

Carter Heywood - A vocal activist in the gay community and the most prominent black member of the staff. Brought on by Mike to solve a p.r. problem with the gay community, he is energetic, eager to initiate change and finds himself torn when a past love surfaces to reclaim him. He and Stuart clash frequently,

Stuart Bondek - Deputy deputy mayor. Stuart is acerbic, offensive and prejudiced. He and Carter clash frequently and he basically sits around making sarcastic and sexist remarks for comic relief and to torment Paul, Nikki and James,

Nikki Faber - Mike's secretary. Constantly falling for the wrong guys, she works to support Mike when Ashley leaves,

James Hobert - Speech writer. James comes from Wisconsin and is green. He is picked on for his naivete,

Janelle - The Mayor's assistant. She serves largely in a supporting role this season,

and Ashley - Mike's girlfriend and a leading member of the New York City press. She ruthlessly asks the questions that no other reporter will, constantly putting Paul on the spot and leaving him sweating. She is offered a better job, which she takes, leaving Mike behind to advance her career.

Spin City has a pretty amazing cast, which includes Richard Kind (Paul), Michael Boatman (Carter), Barry Bostwick (Winston), Alan Ruck (Stuart - he was perfectly cast. Having met him in person, he is utterly hilarious and Ruck's personal sense of humor was a great fit for the Stuart character), and Connie Britton (Nikki). The show rounded the cast out wonderfully at the beginning with Carla Gugino who is now finding some success as Sally Jupiter in Watchmen (reviewed here!). Far more than just a pretty face, Gugino is plausible with the depth and tenacity of a reporter in the first season of Spin City and it is unfortunate to see her cast aside as she was.

But much of the show hinges on Michael J. Fox and he is memorable as Mike Flaherty . . . until the show alters its concept. After the initial episodes, Fox's performances seem more like a twist on the Alex P. Keaton overachiever than the juggling deputy mayor. In other words, Fox is used in more of a familiar than groundbreaking fashion. Still, he has an excellent sense of comic timing and the show works.

On DVD, Spin City "Season One" comes with minimal DVD extras, which include a featurette on the first season with interviews from all of the main cast (notably lacking Gugino) and the show's creators. There are also a couple of commentary tracks which are decent, but not earth shattering.

Ultimately, the first season of Spin City serves to remind viewers of the benefit of syndication; when a show works and is truly audacious and interesting, sometimes it is changed and the best episodes might be available without purchasing the entire boxed DVD set. Still, there is just enough with this DVD set to recommend it. The show was at its best right out of the gate and this boxed set has most of the best episodes the series produced. It is just unfortunate that so many of the best ideas for the show were mortgaged so quickly.

For other works featuring Carla Gugino, please check out my reviews of:
Sucker Punch
Night At The Museum
Snake Eyes

7/10

For other television program reviews, please visit my Television Show Review Page for an organized listing!

© 2012, 2009 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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Generic, Disposable Soldiers From Star Trek: Deep Space Nine; The Jem'Hadar Made Into A Lousy Figure.

The Good: Decent sculpt, Good accessory
The Bad: Poseability, Coloring, Lack of articulation, Could use more accessories!
The Basics: The Jem'Hadar might make for disposable soldiers for the Dominion, but Playmates makes an utterly disposable toy for Trekkers, which is just not cool.


There is something odd about reviewing older action figures - other than the fact that so few people actually read and utilize such reviews. I suspect that when we have better options for action figures we become a little more cruel in our evaluations of older figures. What was once top-of-the-line becomes passe as new, better sculpts of beloved characters are introduced. Improvements in technology lead to greater articulation, more realistic coloring, an improved sense of collectibility that comes from action figures that are equally display pieces as they are toys. Fortunately for me in the case of Playmates' 6" Jem'Hadar this was never the top-of-the-line figure, so as harsh as this critique may seem, it is well-deserved by this toy and would have been the same when the toy first came out as it is now.

The Jem'Hadar action figure was a 6" figure from the Playmates Warp Factor series line of action figures. This is an older figure and is actually fairly common in the secondary market, which is not surprising considering that it is a rather disappointing action figure, though it is one of only two villains in the Warp Factor Series 2 figures.


Basics

Beginning in the second season of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, the Jem'Hadar appeared as the soldiers of the Dominion, the anti-Federation on the other side of the Wormhole near Deep Space Nine. Because the Jem'Hadar are mass produced, drug-addicted soldiers bred solely to serve the Dominion, they make for a wonderful action figure . . . in theory. There are no recurring Jem'Hadar characters, so a generic Jem'Hadar works well to establish the villain as a toy. As a result, there is some flexibility to the sculpt; Playmates did not have to get a specific likeness right in order to effectively sell a Jem'Hadar soldier to the fans.

The Warp Factor Series 2 set of action figures contains a standard Jem'Hadar Soldier ready at its station. Standing 5 1/2 inches tall, this is a fair - if terribly miscolored - likeness of a Jem'Hadar Soldier immortalized in plastic. The uniform is well-detailed for the character and the face is a strong likeness of the make-up for a Jem'Hadar. The figure includes such accurate and important details as the feeding tube for the Ketracel White on the left side of the character's body. The reptilian skin is well-detailed on the dace.

The first severe down side is in the paint job. The Jem'Hadar Soldier is homogeneously colored a sick pea soup green. While the fingernails on the figure are painted - several are chipped - the facial horns are not colored. Given the sophistication of the facial detailing, it seems odd that the figure could not be colored properly, especially given that the eyes are detailed. That the Ketracel White tube is not - at the very least - white is ridiculous and seriously disappointing. This whole color job smacks of a lack of effort on the part of Playmates and it is a huge disappointment.

Accessories

The Jem'Hadar Soldier comes with only one accessory: the four control pedestals from a Jem'Hadar ship. All plastic, the four four inch tall controls allow the Jem'Hadar to guide an imaginary Jem'Hadar ship. This gives the soldier an appearance somewhat more clerical than the violent nature of the beings on the show. It is an intriguing accessory and given that it is entirely plastic, instead of cheap cardboard like some of the others in this series, there is some value in this. The control posts are well-balanced and stand up without any risk of falling over unless seriously jostled.

The Jem'Hadar comes with no sidearm, kartarkan or other accessory. Given that the show characterizes the Jem'Hadar as bred killers who delight in shooting, stabbing and slaughtering others, that the figure does not come with a single weapon is a serious disappointment. At least it can fly its imaginary ship (there was never a Jem'Hadar ship released by Playmates).


Playability

Unfortunately, the specificity of the lone accessory, in combination with a low amount of articulation, makes this a very difficult toy to play with. Sure, it's a fair toy for making displays with and truth be told the average buyer of this figure is more likely to be an adult collector as opposed to a child player, but it is almost impossible to play with this action figure.

The Jem'Hadar Soldier is cursed by having only seven points of articulation: groin socket, shoulders, neck, waist and left elbow. Furthermore, the neck articulation is severely limited because of the Ketracel White tube in the figure's neck. This makes turning the Jem'Hadar's head very difficult. Moreover, that only the left elbow bends is somewhat ridiculous. This makes the Jem'Hadar able to do something vaguely resembling a karate chop.

Moreover, because the figure is molded with a foot in an angled position (balls of the feet down, heel raised), there is a very specific pose Playmates has in mind for the collector. If one tries to do their own thing with this toy, it becomes almost impossible to get the toy to stand on its own, much less put in a pose involving him twisting at the waist. The hands are designed to hold something, curled as they are with a nice open grip, which is odd because there is nothing for the figure to hold. Standing quasi-flatfooted, in the manner the manufacturer seems to intend, the Jem'Hadar figure is still a pain to balance because of the toy's inflexibility and lack of articulation.

In short, like most of the Warp Factor Series 2 6" figures, the Jem'Hadar Soldier appears designed as an inaction figure, ready to be posed, but not played with.

Collectibility

Playmates mass produced the Warp Factor Series 2 figures, including the Jem'Hadar Soldier. None of them appear to be more or less common than the others. To encourage collectors, every figure in this line has an individual number stamped on bottom of the toy's foot. It is hard to consider something with at least 14,000 pieces a limited edition (my Jem'Hadar's # is 013832), but Playmates made fans believe by putting the number stamps on each figure.

The problem from a collector's point of view is simple: there were no other 6" figures at the time these figures were released and there have been very few since, none from Playmates, if memory serves. As a result, the five figures in this line (along with the five from the prior line) more or less stand alone. This makes them generally less collectible because people tend to want to be able to put all of their figures together and these stand out like sore thumbs.

Overview

It is easy to complain about this sculpt, given that these are overproduced and might never appreciate significantly in value. Ultimately, this is a below average action figure and is bound to disappoint any real fans of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.

This figure utilizes an image and style of a Jem'Hadar soldier, which first appeared - appropriately enough - in the episode "The Jem'Hadar," reviewed here!

For other figures of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine villains, be sure to check out my reviews of:
Intendant Kira
The Hunter Of The Tosk
Gul Dukat

4/10

For other toy reviews, be sure to check out my Toy Review Index Page for an organized listing of all of the toys I have reviewed!

© 2012, 2008 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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Getting Lost In The Star Trek Universe Makes Us Wish For More: Star Trek: Voyager Season 1

The Good: Excellent initial characters, Good villains, Good acting
The Bad: Abandonment of characters, Somewhat "done" plot
The Basics: When Kathryn Janeway and her crew of intrepid explorers find themselves 70 years from home, they sacrifice their differences (and character) to make the journey back.


As a huge fan of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, I will commit possibly the ultimate sacrilege by honestly saying that when I sat down to the series premiere of Star Trek: Voyager, I was impressed. "Caretaker," the pilot episode of the show, is easily the strongest Star Trek pilot, exceeding even "The Cage" (reviewed here!) for making the viewer want to come back the next week. It pains me to say it, but after the first episode of Star Trek: Voyager, I began to contemplate the idea that maybe Star Trek: Deep Space Nine would not be the peak of the Star Trek franchise.

And then the second episode aired. Sigh. It's sad when a show goes out of the gate with such a bang and then falls, flat-faced, into the dirt. The boxed set DVD of the first season of Star Trek: Voyager, though, clearly illustrates the serious flaw that the show had. Unwilling to have two Star Trek series' where the characters had a great deal of conflict, Star Trek: Voyager quickly pacified the leaders of the franchise and destroyed all of its best potentials. Here's why:

A group of renegade Federation citizens living in the borderlands between Federation and Cardassian space have formed a militant terrorist group known as the Maquis. The Maquis have been a threat to Federation security and when one of their ships disappears in the Badlands near Bajor, Captain Kathryn Janeway is sent to find it. Her security chief, Tuvok, was aboard that particular ship and so Janeway enlists an ex-Maquis pilot names Tom Paris to help her navigate her ship, the USS Voyager, into the Badlands to search for it. Once there, the ship is abducted by the same force that abducted the Maquis ship, resulting in the two crews finding themselves 70,000 light years away from home.

The problem is, once they find themselves trapped 70 years away from home, these two crews, diametrically opposed in philosophies, begin working together as a single StarFleet crew. So, Captain Janeway and her Maquis first officer Chakotay, begin to lead their crew home through the space of the angry Kazon and Vidiians, with the help of two locals, Neelix and Kes. The ship is held together by a Maquis half-Klingon engineer, steered by Tom Paris, defended by Tuvok, navigated by (his position is hard to define, he mans the sensors) young Asian Ensign Kim, and the health needs are seen to by the holographic doctor.

Within the span of the first two episodes, Star Trek: Voyager takes the wonderful potential of a series rooted in opposing philosophical ideologies struggling toward a common goal and trashes it in favor of a recast Star Trek: The Next Generation. The stories almost immediately take on episodic qualities, instead of the more obvious serialized style. That is to say, the episodes to not seem to build on each other, which would make sense if they were trying to tell the story of how the crew is working to get home. Instead, the first season of Star Trek: Voyager reads as "we're trying to get home, but here are some stops we made on our way."

The problem is in the characters. In the first episode, they have so much potential to be interesting and deep. Kathryn Janeway is an explorer who is leaving behind her love and her puppies. She opponent, Chakotay, is a Native American Indian who fought for his colony and has been running on hate for over a year. He is domesticated by the second episode and there is almost no conflict between him and Janeway after the second episode. In fact, the only two characters that retain their immediate interest after the first episode are Kes, a young Ocampa woman who has a very limited lifespan and is eager to grow and learn and experiment with her newfound psychic powers and the Emergency Medical Hologram, who is acerbic, humorous and intriguing, but unable to leave Sickbay, save for the holodeck.

The adventures start out interesting with a clear sense of purpose. The ship journeys into a black hole type phenomenon, a giant gaseous creature, and fend off the Kazon, a splintered people who want water and, now, Federation technology. They find one of their crew accused of murder, a traitor in their midst, and another possessed by an alien life form. The best episode of the season finds the Holographic Doctor on his first adventure, a holodeck story that takes him to the world of Beowulf.

Adding to the sense of purpose is the fact that the crew is hounded by two villainous races throughout the first season. The Kazon rank as possibly the least impressive Star Trek villain ever, but the other adversary is one of the most terrifying. Utilized in the first (and second!) season are the Vidiians, a race of people who have been afflicted with a crippling disease known as the Phage. They search the galaxy harvesting organs from anyone they encounter and their two episodes "Phage" and "Faces" are easily two of the creepiest, most intense hours of this series.

The acting in Star Trek: Voyager is decent and the opening scenes are played out with remarkable skill. The first meeting between Janeway and Tom Paris ought to go well; Robert Duncan McNeil, who plays Paris, had performed the scene several times with the previous actress to play Janeway, a bonus we are allowed to see on the DVD. The supporting cast is decent, with a lot of talent evident in Garret Wang (Harry Kim), Ethan Phillips (Neelix) and Tim Russ (Tuvok). Three talents shine above the others, though.

Robert Picardo has perhaps the best role as a character with a great deal of potential as the holographic doctor. Picardo does not waste the role, immediately making it his own through a great use of stiff body language and tightly controlled facial expressions. Picardo easily convinces the viewers he is a computer by-product and he is cunning as an actor to inch his way toward growth, making the character development seem very organic.

Jennifer Lein excels as Kes. She plays an adventurous young woman who takes a stand and joins the Voyager crew and she seems very at home in the role. Having met this perpetually shy actress, her very social performances are amazing to see and a testament to her greatness as an actress. Lein plays Kes as consumed by that spark of life that inhabits us all and it a real pleasure to watch.

Ultimately, it comes down to the captain and Kate Mulgrew is an inspired choice for Janeway. Despite the petty notion many people have about Mulgrew's voice (I don't see it as any sort of problem), she is excellent at playing Janeway as an authority figure. Her presentation of Janeway establishes her as a rightful Star Trek captain and not simply "a woman captain." Mulgrew brings a zest and wry humor to the piece that has been absent since Captain Kirk of Star Trek. She is especially good in the moralistic moments when she must play high drama.

All in all, Star Trek Voyager's complete first season is decent, but not great. The show starts out with a real bang and falls off too quickly on the character front, which I believe is the most important aspect of the show. Still, it is entertaining and the first season is one of the show's two best. Unfortunately, it did not aspire to be more.

Knowing that the DVD box is completely unhelpful as to the contents, check out my reviews on the episodes contained in this boxed set! The fifteen episodes of the first season are:

Caretaker
Parallax
Time And Again
Phage
The Cloud
Eye Of The Needle
Ex Post Facto
Emanations
Prime Factors
State Of Flux
Heroes And Demons
Cathexis
Faces
Jetrel
Learning Curve

Thanks!

6.5/10

For other television reviews, be sure to check out my Television Review Index Page for an organized listing of all the shows and episodes I have reviewed!

© 2012, 2007, 2004 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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Aiming For Humor, Piranha 3DD Is Still Gross.

The Good: Some of the acting, 3-D effects
The Bad: Absolutely ridiculous plot and execution, No character development, The acting from the secondary characters.
The Basics: Absurd and graphic in all of the worst possible ways, Piranha 3DD is little more than a gory porn flick that fails to satisfy on any level.


There are torturous aspects of being a film reviewer. During Summer Blockbuster season, audiences are inundated with slews of films and while that usually is a thrill, not all of the movies released as summer fare are even remotely worthwhile. Piranha 3DD is one such film that is so bad, it makes one wonder how anyone can justify spending millions of dollars to make movies like it. To its credit, Piranha 3DD is so absolutely, unbelievably ridiculous that it does not even try to take itself seriously.

As a sequel to Piranha 3D (reviewed here!), Piranha 3DD is not campy; it is a parody of itself and more often than not it is obvious. When it is not utterly ridiculous, it is nauseatingly gross. Piranha 3DD plays in hyperboles; the characters are almost universally dumb, the nudity is in-your-face in a way that only a teenager might find it enjoyable and the gore is so excessive that Piranha 3DD, despite being light on plot and character and high on special effects, cannot be considered a “popcorn movie.” In fact, the only reason to have any sort of snack with you while watching Piranha 3DD is so you have a container in which to vomit . . . because the need is likely to arise, except for those who have been desensitized by such films as this in the past.

Near the now-(mostly)deserted Lake Victoria, killer piranhas resurface from eggs, despite the locals being aware of the piranha problem. As the local waterpark reopens with an adult-themed section – Big Wet – the owner of the waterpark, Chet, is looking to have a profitable go of the business. But Chet’s hopes are dampened some when his step-daughter, Maddy, returns from college for the summer. As a co-owner, she has real issues with the management of the waterpark. She is shocked when two of her friends are killed at the nearby lake. After determining that the waterpark is not at risk from the piranhas, Maddy’s friend accidentally wounds her boyfriend when a piranha that swam into her vagina bites his penis while they have sex.

From there, the situation gets even worse. Chet is illegally pumping water from an underwater river into the waterpark and that gives the new swarm of piranha the access they need. Bursting into the waterpark, carnage ensues – diminished some by the return of Deputy Fallon and celebrity lifeguard David Hasselhoff. As Maddy fights for survival, Big Wet gets very bloody.

Piranha 3DD is an exceptionally easy film to write off; the studio more or less did that when they released it digitally simultaneous with the theatrical release. The advantage of the digital release is that you can pause or turn the film off without feeling like you are out a whole lot (unlike walking out of a theater after paying 3-D film prices, which is a tough thing to do). The advantage of seeing Piranha 3DD on the big screen is the 3-D effects. To be fair to Piranha 3DD, the effects are pretty impressive. So, for example, because the film was shot in 3-D, big, bouncing breast shots actually feature giant, round breasts, as opposed to two layers of flat-shots, as one gets when a film is made into 3-D in post-production.

The only other positive noteworthy aspect of Piranha 3DD is the reappearance of Christopher Lloyd’s zany fish expert Goodman. Lloyd seems not to take the material he is given too seriously and that makes his melodramatic deliveries even more funny. Similarly, David Koechner is appropriately funny for his part in Piranha 3DD. Chet might not be the defining role of his career, but David Koechner is good in Piranha 3DD.

Beyond that, Piranha 3DD is universally bad. And to make the distinction; as a reviewer, I am subjected to a lot of bad movies. There are bad movies that bore me, bad movies that I find unpleasant and movies that I could not be paid to watch again because they are so terrible. Piranha 3DD is, in every way, the latter. From almost the first frames of the movie, Piranha 3DD works to establish itself as a movie that is more bloody, nudity-filled and preposterous than the original. In that way, it succeeds.

That said, Piranha 3DD is unpleasant to watch on virtually every level. Maddy’s character is initially sympathetic, but quickly becomes boring. In a film filled with utter nonsense, like a young woman who does not seem to notice she is carrying a piranha around in her vagina for a whole day, Maddy seems mundane and straightlaced in a way that simply does not work. It is almost like the writers and director John Gulager postulated that if one character seemed normal, all of the rest of the absurdities would be overlooked by the audience. Instead, Maddy comes to appear almost as unreal as Fallon’s use of a prosthetic shotgun for a leg in that she starts out smart and rational, but never breaks down sufficiently amid the ensuing carnage. In other words, if she were truly as smart and real as she appears at the outset, she should have been far more of a mess as her world collapsed around her.

The rest of the characters in Piranha 3DD are vacuous, corrupt and just plain stupid. Maddy is surrounded by young women who are pretty easy, which makes her outrage at Chet’s creation of Big Wet seems all the more forced, and men who are abusive or dull. Maddy’s ex-boyfriend, Kyle, is pretty much a douchebag in a uniform and it is utterly unsurprising when it is revealed that he is getting kickbacks from Chet. The fact that Barry is established as a man who does not know how to swim, yet comes through as the obvious hero character for the climax is head-shaking bad.

The acting in Piranha 3DD is pretty terrible, even though the effects are good. It’s hard to imagine what enticed Katrina Bowden to spend her time away from 30 Rock shooting this piece of crap. This marks only the second work I have seen Danielle Panabaker in – the first being Friday The 13th (reviewed here!) – and while she might have more screentime as Maddy, she is no more memorable. Her reactions are often stiff and she too-frequently delivers her lines as if she is struggling to remember them (or, conversely, without emotional realism because the lines are memorized and being delivered as if by rote).

It is the minor roles – the cameos like David Hasselhoff and the reappearance of Ving Rhames as Fallon – that overshadow the young cast. They give a moment’s joy for the viewer that is far too short. In the end, that is nowhere near enough to make Piranha 3DD worth recommending or watching, now or on video.

For other works with David Koechner, be sure to visit my reviews of:
Paul
Extract
The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard
Sex Drive
Get Smart
Let’s Go To Prison
Farce Of the Penguins
Thank You For Smoking
The 40 Year Old Virgin
Waiting . . .
Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy

1/10

For other film reviews, be sure to check out my Movie Review Index Page for an organized listing of all the films I have reviewed!

© 2012 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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Rebels Without Their Ships Make For An Odd Mix With The Rebel Pilots 3-Pack!

The Good: Fairly decent sculpts, Generally good balance, Decent base
The Bad: Cheap cardboard backdrop, Low articulation, Abysmal collectible value.
The Basics: A decent way to staff even many of the newer Star Wars ship toys, the Rebel Pilot 3-pack from the Power Of The Jedi line is still a tough sell.


Sometimes, it actually takes a long time for me to come to appreciate something. With the Star Wars figure three-packs, I spent years utterly disappointed with the Rebel Pilots 3-pack. I’m not sure why I did not like this particular pack, other than my usual issue with the cardboard backed Cinema Scene sets. I have these on my desk now and they are well-balanced, they look detailed enough, and any articulation issues with them do not matter much; these figures are supposed to be pilots who occupy the various starfighters of the Rebel Alliance. Maybe it was just that I was sore that the collectible value on these is so terrible. I remember buying this set on clearance . . . then the price went down quite a bit more!

Regardless, as I consider these figures now, they are a far cry from the horrible feelings I have had for them for years. In fact, they are generally all right, especially for figures of pilots!

The Rebel Pilots is a collection from Return Of The Jedi (click here for the review of the film!) that features three different pilots from the various Rebel fighters that participated in the battle over Endor. In addition to Wedge Antilles, the recurring X-Wing pilot, there are figures of Ten Numb and Arvel Crynyd, neither of whom even appear in the photograph on the box!

The 4" figures are decent, at least as support characters for the ships with which they are associated.

Basics

This is a set of three action figures and a "playset" (or more accurately a play environment). The Rebel Pilots fits the 4" figure line and the three figures each come with a single, removable, helmet. The Wedge Antilles figure is the heroic X-Wing pilot in his boring orange flight suit. The figure stands 3 13/16" tall to the top of his helmet. This version of Wedge is an utterly generic one. Far too round in the cheeks and without Wedge’s dark hair, this is pretty much just a generic X-Wing pilot figure. Even so, Hasbro did a decent job of detailing the figure. The right boot contains the various tools on a ring that, apparently, some of the Rebel pilots had. The figure’s chest had the tube on the life support module molded on and it looks pretty good. The helmet has a decent level of fine detailing for the insignias and has a translucent eye guard, so most of Wedge’s face is not obscured when the helmet is on!

The helmet is similar for the Arvel Crynyd figure, though as a B-wing pilot, it is more of a full, all-encompassing helmet (like a motorcycle helmet). As a B-wing pilot, Arvel Crynyd is outfitted in a red and white jumpsuit and after over a decade, the white on this figure has not discolored. The helmet features an exceptional amount of detailing, which puts the rest of the figure – which is very simple – to shame. Arvel Crynyd stands 4” tall and has dark black hair underneath his helmet.

Ten Numb is 3 1/2” tall and wears a white Y-wing fighter pilot outfit. This is the coolest figure of the trio, arguably because the pilot is not a human. The same race as Nien Nunb (reviewed here!), Ten Numb has great dealing of his face underneath the classic bomber-style helmet. The helmet features a respirator and tubes that would, presumably, allow him to connect to his Y-Wing bomber. Despite the clean white flightsuit, Ten Numb is actually incredibly well-detailed and well-colored for realism.

As for the background play environment, the base is a 9 3/4" inch long by two inch wide section of imitation rock that represents the floor of the Rebel flight deck and it has a slot in the back. The slot is just wide enough for the cardboard back that has the mural of the interior of Rebel flight deck. The cardboard backer is problematic because it is easily bent, but by this time Hasbro designed it so that it came completely ready for play. It does not need to be cut out at the bottom to fit into the slot. The base has three plastic pegs which fit the holes in the figures' feet and allow them to easily stand on the base.

Accessories

The Rebel Pilots figures come only with their helmets that are custom fitted to each of their heads and come on the figures. They do not have any other accessories.

Playability

The four inch toy line was designed for play and the pilots fit that fairly well and the play environment is a good idea. Still, the figures are poorly articulated and later sculpts - there are later sculpts of rebel pilots - improved upon them a little bit. All three figures have limited articulation and minor balance issues when they are off their action base. Fortunately, all three figures have foot pegs so they can stand on the play base easily enough. Still, the figures come with only five points of articulation each all of which are simple swivel joints. They have joints at the groin socket, shoulders, and neck. The elbows do not extend, so all arm posing is straight-armed.

Generally, these figures do stay balanced, but they tend to only remain balanced in their flatfooted position in one or two limited poses.

Collectibility

The Rebel Pilots play environment is part of the Power Of The Force four-inch series, a series of Star Wars action figures that was incredibly common. This three pack was tragically overproduced and is exceptionally easy to find in the secondary market, even now. Given that subsequent three-packs of Rebel Pilots include figures with better articulation and more accessories, it is hard to imagine the value on this three-pack ever bouncing back.

Overview

The Rebel Pilots three-pack gets a bum rap and if you have an X-Wing, Y-Wing and B-Wing toy that you want to staff, this could be an exceptional way to do that inexpensively!

For other Star Wars 3-packs of action figures, please check out my reviews of:
Mynock Hunt
Death Star Escape
Cantina Aliens

5.5/10

For other toy reviews, please visit my index page!

© 2012 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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Elvis Sings Fairly Bland, Loving You: You Can't Remaster Out The Blah.

The Good: One or two decent tracks that are enjoyable (like "Blueberry Hill"!).
The Bad: Monotonous, Musically unimaginative, Nothing lyrically special, Alternate takes are boring, Vocally uninspired
The Basics: A musically and vocally boring album, Loving You is rightfully absent of any genuine hits and is not worth the listener's time.


Fans of Elvis Presley and his music seem to be a lot more tolerant than those of some of the other legendary performers of the modern age. Say one word that suggests that Dylan or Springsteen is less than a god around here and let the flames begin! Elvis fans seem to recognize that while Presley may have been the King of rock and roll, his films were pretty bad and a lot of his music sounds like itself. I respect fans who are open minded about the realities of their idols.

It is with the hope that that reality endures that I sit down to review Loving You, the third album released by Elvis Presley. Originally released as a soundtrack to the film by the same name, Loving You was a dismal twelve-track record that clocked in under twenty-seven minutes. Remastered and rereleased on compact disc with an additional eight tracks, Loving You becomes one of the most forgettable collections of music by Elvis Presley to exist.

With twenty tracks and a running time of around forty-one minutes, Loving You represents a fallow period in Brand Elvis music. Elvis Presley sings and is one of several guitarists on Loving You. This album does not credit him with any co-writing or co-producing credits. In fact, this album has some of the songs that are more commonly associated with artists other than Elvis Presley, like "Blueberry Hill." In other words, there is very little with this album that may be credited or reflected negatively upon Elvis.

This is most fortunate for Elvis! Loving You is a boring album and its most successful track was actually one put onto the album by RCA because it had been successful as a single, "(Let Me Be Your) Teddy Bear." There might be those who love this track, but "(Let Me Be Your) Teddy Bear" is pretty much as bad as the title suggests; it is about a man who wants to be held and squeezed by his woman just like a teddy bear is. It is astonishing to think that this song hit #1 in the late '50s.

Loving You has a few good lyrics, mostly in the song "I Beg Of You." Lines like, "You got me at your mercy / Now that I'm in love with you / So please don't take advantage / Cause you know my love is true / Darling please please love me too / . . . Hold my hand and promise / That you'll always love me true / Make me know you'll love me. . ." ("I Beg Of You") have a simplicity and straightforward quality to them that I find has a strange appeal to me when listening to oldies. Here, Elvis is direct and wanting. Of course, those of us who have been listening to a lot of Elvis lately have to laugh because he also sings "You know I hate to cry" ("I Beg Of You") and in so very many of his songs, Elvis is crying. In fact, it's surprising he's considered an archetype for the manly man the way he cries in his songs so frequently!

Lyrically, the album opens with one of the most problematic Elvis Presley songs to come down the pike; "Mean Woman Blues." This song is your basic 50's style s&m rock and roll track with lines like, "She kiss so hard, she bruise my lips / Hurts so good, my heart just flips . . . The strangest gal I ever had / Never happy less she's mad / Oh, I got a woman / Mean as she can be" ("Mean Woman Blues"). Sure, he expects that closing the chorus with "Sometimes I think / She's almost mean as me" ("Mean Woman Blues") negates the things he sings about the woman, but it's still a fairly critical - if not outright misogynistic - song.

The problem is when Elvis and his producers roam away from the relationship songs, they venture with Loving You into the outright dumb. With lines like "Let's have a party / Send to the store / And let's buy some more / And let's have a party tonight / Some people like to rock / Some people like to roll / But movin' and a groovin' / Gonna' satisfy my soul" ("Party") it's insulting that the song ends up on the album twice! In other words, when the album isn't preoccupied with relationships, it is focusing on itself, singing about rocking and rolling.

Overall, though, this is a fairly slow album with most of the tracks having the musical accompaniment of the piano instead of a heavy guitar. The drums are not featured as a prominent instrument on this album and it works nicely to create a slower, more ballad-filled album and generally I like that.

But not here. Here it is just boring. I've listened to this album seven times now and the truth is, the first four times I had a narcoleptic reaction to it. The songs begin to blend together some with "Don't Leave Me Now" being put stupidly close to "Blueberry Hill" when they sound virtually identical musically. This is not a rockin' album, it is an album to get mellow by and there are far better albums to do that by.

Similar to the lack of genuine musical diversity are the aurally limp vocals. Elvis Presley sings on Loving You in his very safe lower range vocals and he never challenges himself. He goes faster on "Got A Lot O' Livin' To Do" but even there he does not seem strained and he does it by staying within his vocal range. Presley gives us nothing we have not heard before on other albums.

As an album standing on its own, Loving You is vocally boring in that so many of the tracks present so much of the music in much the same way. "Blueberry Hill," Loving You and "Don't Leave Me Now" (among others) all have Elvis singing the same way and it becomes boring to listen to, even with one listen, much less multiple relistens.

You know what? I love writing reviews and the problem with Loving You is that there's not much to say about it. The album itself seems to know this and it is padded out with short, alternate versions of "Party," Loving You and "Got A Whole Lot O' Livin' To Do," which feel like padding. This is a dull album and the tracks that are worth hearing on this (and some of the ones that aren't) are all on better compilations.

This one is not worth your time and attention.

The best track is "Blueberry Hill," the lowest point among the dregs is "Party" (Alternate version).

For other works by Elvis Presley, be sure to check out my reviews of:
Elvis Presley
Elvis
Elvis’ Christmas Album
30 #1 Hits

3/10

For other music reviews, please be sure to check out my Music Review Index Page for an organized listing!

© 2012, 2008 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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Enjoyable, But Not Extraordinary, Baby Mama Is Fun.

The Good: Funny, Moments of character, Themes
The Bad: Acting is largely mediocre, Fairly predictable plot, DVD is light on bonus materials.
The Basics: When Kate wants to have a baby, but is told that she only has a one in a million chance of conceiving, she hires Angie to act as a surrogate, which leads to many comedic hijinks.


I might not be much of a fan of comedy films (in general), but my wife very much is into humor. Her DVD library is very much biased toward comedy movies and television shows. One of her favorites purchased from a discount DVD bin is Baby Mama. I understand how the economics of the DVD market works; when a movie comes out on DVD, there is a demand for it, but the price is usually at its highest. Then, after demand has dropped, extra units are sold off dirt cheap or a movie that is already well in the black is discounted in order to make a lot of profit without a lot of cost to consumers. While it is usually very easy for me to discern why a movie is in the discount bin – for example, in the case of Bride Wars (reviewed here!), that is the only way people would spend money on the movie! - Baby Mama seems like it would not deserve to be available for $5 or less on DVD.

Then again, it is a much more average comedy film than it is distinctive or compelling in any way. So, despite being populated by an impressive cast of Saturday Night Live-alums, Baby Mama is a tougher sell for a permanent collection . . . at regular DVD prices.

Kate chose the executive path for her life, but now at 37, she wants a baby. Her doctor, however, in forms her that the odds of her successfully getting pregnant are astronomical. So, she begins to look into other alternatives; most seriously, surrogacy. Kate chooses Angie as a surrogate and is initially excited when it seems that the implantation has taken. But soon, Angie’s personal life is interfering with Kate’s life. Angie and her commonlaw husband Carl have a fight and Kate offers Angie a place to stay.

With the move, Kate begins to assert more control over Angie’s life (especially her diet and health), much to the annoyance of Angie. As Kate works to get a new Round Earth store built and figure out a relationship with Rob, the owner of a local juice bar, she tries to manage Angie. But Angie has a secret and as Carl threatens to expose the truth, Angie’s sweet ride may come to an abrupt end.

Baby Mama is a generally funny movie that served as a vehicle for Tina Fey after 30 Rock began and was successful. It represents a chance for her to reunite with Amy Poehler and other Saturday Night Live performers, like Fred Armisen (who has a brief cameo role). And Baby Mama is very well cast. Fey is a believable executive-track woman and Amy Poehler is convincingly underclass as Angie. The supporting cast, which includes Sigourney Weaver, Steve Martin, Dax Shepard, Greg Kinnear, Romany Malco and Maura Tierney, is an impressive one, but they frequently outshine the headliners.

As much as I enjoy the works of Tina Fey, Baby Mama does more to illustrate that she is something of a one-trick actress than give her any real range. Fey’s role in Baby Mama is one that she presents virtually identically to her role of Liz Lemon on 30 Rock. There were several points in Baby Mama where I expected Fey’s Kate to grumble “nerds!” It does not happen, but much of her part in Baby Mama has the feel of “Liz Lemon Hires A Surrogate.”

In a similar fashion, Amy Poehler’s role in Baby Mama is hardly an audacious step for her as an actress. In fact, she slips into the part of Angie very easily and Poehler plays all of the ridiculous aspects of Angie’s character in a very familiar way through the bulk of the film. It does not help that part of Angie’s character arc is ridiculously predictable; Angie comes to want to keep the baby inside her instead of give it to Kate, as she is contracted to. With the character aspects seeming so familiar, the acting could save the role, but Poehler takes it in a predictable and very familiar direction.

Steve Martin, on the other hand, plays a delightfully zany, scene-stealing role in Baby Mama. As Kate’s employer, Barry, Martin shines by delivering many of the funniest lines in the film. Moreover, Martin is not using his physical comedy and the cerebral and odd Barry is quite different from other characters he has played. Steve Martin and Tina Fey play off one another exceptionally well in Baby Mama.

Baby Mama quickly mortgages its more serious elements, which skirt at addressing the glass ceiling/women in the corporate workplace issues and a theme of corporate greed (Rob is firmly anti-big business and Kate clearly wants to lean in that direction, but does not see herself as part of the problem that Rob details). In the place of fleshing out more of a statement from the film, Baby Mama includes ridiculous scenes like Kate and Angie going to Lamaze classes together where an instructor with a pretty severe accent (or impediment) dispenses zany birthing advice. For a movie that starts out feeling smart and funny, Baby Mama quickly goes for keeping the laughs coming, as opposed to delving deeper into any of the more serious themes. That makes sense, as Baby Mama is a comedy, but the whole scam aspect of Angie and Carl’s characters is unfortunately not funny and dominates the latter half of the film.

In the end, Baby Mama is not bad by any means, but it is not extraordinary either. This is a pretty amusing comedy that is entirely average. “Average” is the hallmark of the $5 bin, which might explain how Baby Mama got there!

For other works with Sigourney Weaver, be sure to check out my reviews of:
The Cabin In The Woods
Paul
Cedar Rapids
Avatar
WALL-E
The Alien Quadrilogy
Annie Hall

5.5/10

For other movie reviews, be sure to visit my Movie Review Index Page for an organized listing of all the films I have reviewed!

© 2012 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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