The Lysol Multi-Purpose Scrubber Sponge Is Ideal Everywhere . . . But The Kitchen?!

The Good: Reasonably-priced, Durable, Easy to use and clean, Strong
The Bad: Abrasive side cannot be used on non-stick pans
The Basics: The Lysol Multi-Purpose Scrubber Sponge is such a good sponge that it remains a powerful cleaning tool . . . so much that it cannot be used on non-stick pans, no matter how broken in it is!


When It comes to cleaning tools, I have some very specific guidelines for things that I will recommend. I value versatility, but I also value clear distinctions of purpose. In the case of the Lysol Multi-Purpose Scrubber Sponges I recently started using with my wife, this is a cleaning tool that has to be used for specific projects and is not an all purpose sponge. While it may be used for many different purposes, the abrasive, textured top of the sponge makes it unusable for non-stick surfaces. In short, they will scratch the hell out of any non-stick pans and I write that even referring to the Lysol Multi-Purpose Scrubber Sponge I have been using for over a month for daily cleaning.

The Lysol Multi-Purpose Scrubber Sponge is a 4 4/4” long by 2 3/4” wide by 1" thick curved scrubbing sponge! This is a blue sponge with a dark blue scrubbing pad (reminiscent of steel wool, but having more of a brick-like texture to it than most scrubbing sponges) fused to the top. The scrubbing pad accounts for 1/8” of the sponge’s thickness. Like most multi-purpose sponges, the Lysol Multi-Purpose Scrubber Sponge arrive out of the package flexible but firm and ready to clean. While the sponge is very soft, the abrasive side is exceptionally hard and barely flexible, even after multiple uses.

As far as basic kitchen cleaning goes, the Lysol Multi-Purpose Scrubber Sponge are exceptional. The sponge side soaks up spills efficiently and the scrubbing side actually is ideal for its abrasiveness. This sponge is a great staple item for cleaning stainless steel or other surfaces that cannot be easily scratched. Also cool is the shape. The sponge itself is curved along its length, much like a subtle boomerang. The top of the sponge is wavy and the abrasive scrubbing portion is fused to the waves.

Like most premium sponges, the Lysol Multi-Purpose Scrubber Sponge is easy to clean. In the normal course of serving as a kitchen sponge, the scrubbing side and the sponge may encounter quite a bit of grease, dirty water, and fluids that might make a kitchen sponge smell moldy and unhygienic. That has never once been the case with the Lysol Multi-Purpose Scrubber Sponge I have used, though. This sponge may easily go through the dishwasher to get cleaned and completely revitalized! Put it through a normal dishwashing cycle – the abrasive portion will not break apart at all! – squeeze it out after the cycle is done and give it about an hour or two to dry some and it is fresh, as if it just came from the package! No matter how many times I put it through the dishwasher, the Lysol Multi-Purpose sponge does not get soft enough to use on non-stick cookware.

Unlike several other premium sponges I’ve used, the scrubbing pad on this sponge does not separate easily from the main sponge. That makes the Lysol Multi-Purpose Scrubber Sponge a worthwhile scrubbing sponge, even if it can’t be used on Teflon. Lysol has made an affordable, strong sponge and it’s an odd thing for strength to be both a key selling point and a detraction of a product like this, but that is the case with the Lysol Multi-Purpose Scrubber Sponges.

For other kitchen product reviews, please visit my takes on:
Brillo Estracell No Scratch Scrub Sponge With WedgeWorks
Scotch-Brite Heavy Duty Scrub Sponge
Domestix Supreme Clean Kitchen Scrubber Sponge

7.5/10

For other home and garden product reviews, please visit my Home And Garden Review Index Page for a concise listing!

© 2014 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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Am I The Only One In The World Who Did Not Enjoy Anger Management?!

The Good: Moments of humor, Generally good performances
The Bad: Agonizing tone, Predictable plot, Irksome character development
The Basics: When Dave Buznik is sentenced to 20 hours of anger management therapy, he ends up getting more than he bargained for when noted author and expert Dr. Buddy Rydell antagonizes him.


There are a number of movies that came and went in their theatrical run that I had absolutely no interest in watching that I now find myself catching thanks to my wife. Pretty much any film featuring Adam Sandler falls into that category; my wife is a fan and I’m not a huge fan – though there are some that I have enjoyed. Despite the presence of Jack Nicholson in it, I never had the urge to watch the Adam Sandler film Anger Management. That avoidance ended last night when my wife and mother-in-law were in the mood to watch Anger Management and I was in the mood to hang out with them.

Hated it.

The thing is, I don’t recall what I knew about Anger Management going into it, but from the outset the movie set me off because the protagonist seemed woefully misdiagnosed with anger issues. Adam Sandler is possibly the ultimate actor for portraying seething rage beneath a good-guy persona. He did it masterfully in Punch-Drunk Love (reviewed here!), so Sandler has abilities. For sure, there are many different ways people who have anger under the surface might act, but in Anger Management, Sandler’s character of Dave Buznik exhibits no recognizable traits of someone who is truly angry and struggles to deal with that. Instead, in Anger Management, Dave is constantly provoked and he is surrounded by angry people who overact to his calm rejections of their behavior.

Dave Buznik has been dating Linda for years and he remains too timid to commit to her, despite the fact that she pals around with Andrew, an ex who shows no respect for her relationship with Dave. Dave has a great idea that his boss takes credit for. That leads to Dave traveling for his boss and on the plane, he moves seats to sit next to Dr. Buddy Rydell. In asking for headphones, Dave is forced to wait and when he gently puts his hand on the stewardess’s elbow, the plane lands and he is charged with assault. He is sentenced to twenty hours of anger management therapy . . . with Dr. Rydell.

Rydell begins almost immediately making offers to Dave and then betraying him. Dave’s sentence is expanded to forty hours and the group sessions Dave attends include the legitimately violent Chuck, a porn star couple, and a guy who is far long in Rydell’s program, Lou. Traveling together, Dave and Rydell go through a number of exercises, like Rydell having Dave pick up a woman at a bar, then telling Linda about it. Rydell has Dave confront his childhood tormenter and then starts dating Linda himself. In the process of Rydell agitating Dave, Dave comes to stand up for himself and his relationship with Linda.

Anger Management is unpleasant to watch because almost immediately, the viewer has the sense that Dave is being played. Watching a generally nice guy get railroaded by an erratic manipulator is not my idea of entertaining. As a result of the transparent way that Rydell works Dave, the “surprise” twist near the end is more obvious than audacious. Anger Management telegraphs itself and it is frustrating to watch a film where the protagonist is so far behind the curve.

That said, Anger Management has an impressive cast that is utilized remarkably well . . . outside Sandler. Sandler’s Dave is not written to be particularly angry, clever or distinct and that leaves Sandler with remarkably little to play. Anger Management does not give Adam Sandler one of his interesting or quirky characters to play and the result is that much of the movie has the viewer watching an indistinct tool.

The rest of the cast of Anger Management is impressively utilized. Jack Nicholson plays Dr. Rydell with an energetic quality that borders on the sadistic and makes the role instantly credible. Nicholson gets through the psychobabble with a brilliant straight face and when his character turns toward the charming and erratic, he lends some continuity to the performance that makes it seem like it is the same character going through everything. Nicholson has amazing facial acting and director Peter Segal captures that wonderfully. The supplemental cast of Marisa Tomei, Luiz Guzman, Kurt Fuller, Woody Harrelson, John Turturro, Heather Graham and John C. Riley flesh out the world around Dave and Rydell to keep Sandler playing off an intriguing number of other talents.

Unfortunately, the humor in Anger Management is slapstick and not at all shocking. Telegraphed well in advance, much of the film has mediocre jokes broke up by long stretches of Rydell antagonizing Dave. Anger Management is like watching torment on film and for as much as Dave is tormented, so is the viewer.

For other works with January Jones, please visit my reviews of:
X-Men: First Class
Unknown
Love Actually
Bandits

4/10

For other movie reviews, please check out my Film Review Index Page for an organized listing!

© 2014 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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Enough To Justify The Existence Of The Brand: Teavana Samurai Chai Mate Tea!

The Good: Amazing flavor, Great ingredients
The Bad: Comparatively pricey
The Basics: Teavana Samurai Chai Mate might well be the best flavor of tea Teavana makes and now that it is available on its own . . . there’s no real reason to visit a Teavana store!


In my varied and sordid work history, there is a spot where it appears on my resume that I was briefly unemployed. In truth, I went through several jobs in short order where I determined that the job for which I had applied and successfully interviewed was not, in truth, the job for which I was hired. Chief among those in my memory has to be the five hours I spent employed by Teavana over the course of two days. Teavana seemed like it would be an excellent fit for me. At the time, I was writing tea reviews for a website and I had a wide and varied love of teas. I discovered exceptionally quickly, though, that Teavana was a strong sales-based job that had little to do with tea, loving tea or enjoying tea flavors. It was an annoying high-pressure sales position that required a lot of memorization and when I did not retain all of the specifics (and had trouble with their script) after only five hours in the store, we had a parting of the ways.

That said, one of the bright points of going to Teavana and working there briefly was the company’s Samurai Chai Mate tea. As it so happens, Teavana now mixes and sells the Samurai Chai Mate tea online and when my wife discovered that option for the tea we left behind with civilization, she began buying it and stocking us up. I had no idea how much I missed the tea until she started getting me bags of it again!

Samurai Chai Mate is an amazing, flavorful tea blend that is sold as a mix online or as component teas one must blend at the Teavana stores. We found ours as a loose-leaf tea, mixed already and sold online through Teavana . . . and it is every bit as good as having it blended as a sample at the stores.

Basics

Samurai Chai Mate Tea is a green mate and rooibos-based tea from Teavana. This is a tea blend that is an herbal tea without any traditional tea leaves in it. Teavana has its Samurai Chai Mate tea available year round online, but in stores it is only available by purchasing the component tea blends and mixing it yourself, which is far more expensive and does not necessarily yield the same results. Samurai Chai Mate is what I call an adjective tea; the flavor is its own, the name does not hold it to any standard other than to represent what is generally accepted as that flavor. This tea has a strongly cinnamon flavor, reminiscent of Big Red chewing gum.

Samurai Chai Mate comes in a 2 oz. resealable plastic bag that keeps the freshness of the tea in.

Ease Of Preparation

As a tea, Samurai Chai Mate is ridiculously easy to prepare. One and a half teaspoons of the loose leaf tea will make a full 8 oz. mug full of tea. I tend to make mine by the pot and four Tablespoons makes an ideally potent 32 oz. tea pot full of the tea, which is disproportionately expensive but wonderfully delicious! I have found that I can use the same tea leaves twice with no loss of flavor as long as I don’t let the tea brew for more than three minutes the first time. This is not a bad tea for those who like to reuse tea. The second cup often comes out about as strong as the first (3/4 - 7/8 as strong), provided the first steeping was not over the recommended time. I tend to make my tea using a 32 oz. steeping tea pot and that works well, though in this method, the second brewing is - at worst - about 3/4 strength, though a third brewing is pretty much hit or miss.

To prepare Samurai Chai Mate tea, bring a pot of water to 208 degrees (Fahrenheit) and pour it over the tea leaves (once they are in the steeping chamber). This tea takes only two to three minutes to steep according to the directions. In my experience, it gets no stronger after three minutes and as a rather strong tea, it does not truly need to be stronger than it naturally is.

Taste

Samurai Chai Mate tea has a strong cinnamon aroma to it. This tea smells very spicy and the scent does not diminish even after the tea cools a bit.

In the mouth, the Samurai Chai Mate tea tastes surprisingly sweet and exquisitely spiced. This tea is flavorful and genuinely tastes like a liquefied version of Big Red chewing gum. That means it does not taste like cinnamon, but rather a cinnamon flavor consumers are meant to believe is cinnamon (there is, in fact, a difference). The sweet and spiced flavor finishes a little dry, but not in an unpleasant way.

Samurai Chai Mate has no aftertaste.

With a teaspoon of sugar, Samurai Chai Mate loses the slight dryness it possesses and it accents the faux-cinnamon flavor. With a sweetener, the Samurai Chai Mate has an enduring sweet aftertaste that lingers on the tongue for about five minutes.

Nutrition

The ingredients to this tea are somewhat more diverse than other teas, but the dominant ingredients ate: Green Mate, Green Rooibos, and cinnamon. There is nothing that cannot be pronounced in this tea.

In terms of nutrition, this tea is devoid of it. One 8 oz. mug of this tea provides nothing of nutritional value to the drinker. There are no calories (save what one adds from sugar, which I do not necessarily recommend, as this is an inherently sweet tea), no fat, sodium, or protein. There is no indication that his tea has caffeine and none of the ingredients seem to be naturally caffienated.

Storage/Clean-up

Samurai Chai Mate tea is very easy to clean up, provided the brewed tea does not get on fabric. The tea leaves themselves may be disposed of in the garbage, or composted if you have a good garden and/or compost pile. The tea itself will stain a mug a faint brown if it is left there for days on end, but otherwise may be cleaned up easily by rinsing out the vessel.

Samurai Chai Mate is a fairly light, reddish, tea and as a result, it will stain any light fabrics it comes in contact with. As a result, it is highly recommended that one not let it linger on anything they wish to protect and not have stained. It may be cleaned off if the spill is caught quickly, but if it lingers, it is not at all easy to wash out of clothes, linens or other fabrics.

Overall

Teavana Samurai Chai Mate is a flavorful tea that seems initially pricy, but even the 2 oz. bag yields a couple of perfect pots of tea. That makes the Samurai Chai Mate tea perfect and worth picking up. So long as Teavana continues to make and package this proprietary blend and selling it online, it will be worth picking up, especially one is no longer required to visit Teavana to buy it!

For other tea reviews, please check out:
Celestial Seasonings Jammin’ Lemon Ginger Tea
Stash Christmas Eve tea
Oregon Chai Dreamscape Herbal Chai Tea

10/10

For other tea reviews, please visit my Food And Drink Index Page for a complete list!

© 2014 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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The Corporate Powers Limitation Amendment

[After every major ruling at the Supreme Court, the intent of the Framers of the United States Constitution was that new laws and Amendments would be written in order to better enumerate the Rights of citizens of the United States and the laws of the nation. There has not been an Amendment that explicitly defines the limitations of business entities and protects the rights of citizens of the United States. What follows is my proposed Amendment to the United States Constitution which is intended to more clearly define the responsibilities and obligations of business entities operating within the United States and protect the citizens of the United States from their influence. Please feel free to share this with your State's Senators and Representatives in the United States Congress.]

The Corporate Powers Limitation Amendment

In the course of regulating the economy of the United States, no corporation, business entity or political party may be utilized to assert the beliefs of their members over the inherent human rights or Constitutionally-protected Freedoms of citizens of the United States Of America. Every citizen in the United States shall enjoy the protections and Freedoms of the United States Constitution, whereas collections of citizens, foreigners, or entities legally created for the purpose of doing business – for profit or for charity – shall enjoy no protections not enumerated herewith.

Business entities shall enjoy no inherent human rights and the inherent human rights of citizens – consumer and employee – may not be infringed upon in any way that diminishes their Rights as defined by the Constitution Of The United States and/or its prior Amendments.

Section 1: Responsibilities Of Corporate Entities

In order to patent ideas or inventions, produce or sell products, and/or employ citizens in the United States the corporate entities created for such purposes shall abide by higher standards which limit their legal standing to protect the public good of the citizens of the United States:

All corporate entities and the officers therewith are bound to tell the truth in all matters pertaining to the execution of their business activities,

All corporate entities must compensate citizens directly employed or through outside contracts in a manner that allows those citizen employees no less than the ability to meet the basic needs of their survival without relying upon other programs – charitable, corporate, or government-based. The cost of doing business within the United States Of America shall include compensating employees at a living wage as defined as no less than the ability of those citizens to earn enough money for food, clothing, shelter and services in the public good within a useful and reasonable interval,

All corporations and business entities shall be required to pay taxes to the United States Of America and the states wherein business is conducted in order to fund the public good and programs dictated by the Federal and State governments,

All corporate entities must protect the health and safety of those employed at their facilities and the citizens who use their products from any defect or danger represented by their product or the process of manufacturing it. Employees and the public shall be made aware of all real and probable dangers posed to citizens by any product sold in the United States or manufactured therein.

Section 2: Privileges Imbued To Corporate Entities

Corporations or business entities shall enjoy no unenumerated rights implied to citizens that are not made explicit by Amendment or Federal law. However, responsible business entities shall enjoy the privilege of selling their products within the United States, contributing to the public good through employing citizens and paying taxes, winning rights as defined by patent laws, and exporting goods and services as defined through applicable treaties and international laws. Treaties and international laws may not be used to subsume the rights of citizens of the United States to circumvent the protections of this Amendment or to import products or utilize services that explicitly undermine the protections to citizens of the United States enumerated herein.

© 2014 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.

From The Moment He First Takes Her Hand, The Grand Romance Begins Between The Doctor And “Rose!”

The Good: Decent acting, Interesting initial characterizations, Good humor, Decent sense of menace/mood
The Bad: Somewhat silly plot premise.
The Basics: In “Rose,” an alien Time Lord grabs a shopgirl to save her life and, in the process, starts an adventure with her that will bind them through time and space.


Now that I have completed my reviews of the final episodes of Star Trek: Enterprise (reviewed here!), I have exhausted the entire Star Trek franchise for reviews! If one had told me that I would then go on to review all of the (modern, at least) Doctor Who, I would have told them that they were crazy. My wife, however, has become obsessed with the new Doctor Who and now that she has picked her fandom, I figure it’s time to give it a fair shake. The new saga of Doctor Who begins with “Rose.”

“Rose” is the name of the new (Ninth, though now with the retroactive creation of the War Doctor, technically the Tenth Doctor) Doctor’s primary companion. The title character of Doctor Who is The Doctor, a Time Lord who has visited Earth over many decades in his time machine known as the TARDIS (Time And Relative Dimension In Space), with different faces, personalities, and wardrobes in each incarnation. In “Rose,” The Doctor is introduced with surprisingly little fanfare, but the show works hard to be instantly accessible to new viewers and most everything is explained in “Rose” the way one might want it to be. In fact, in “Rose,” there is a strong insinuation (by The Doctor seeing himself for the first time in a mirror) that this latest incarnation of The Doctor is still a very new one.

At 7:30 in London, Rose Tyler wakes up in her apartment (actually, her mother’s) and goes to work at the department store, Henrik’s. Her day is spent working, hanging out with her boyfriend (Mickey) and she gets to the end of the night when she has to close the shop. On her way out of Henrik’s, she is tasked with bringing lottery money to the basement. In trying to get Wilson the shop’s lottery money, Rose Tyler ends up in the basement . . . surrounded by mannequins that move about and menace her. Backed into a corner, someone takes her hand and urges her to run. Together, they run to safety.

The man is The Doctor and after urging Rose to get herself to safety, he blows up Henrik’s. Rose takes a mannequin’s arm The Doctor tossed at her back to her apartment where her mother is worried about her, as is Mickey. The next morning, The Doctor tracks down the plastic arm and, inadvertently, Rose. After saving her from the animated plastic arm using his sonic screwdriver, The Doctor tells Rose that there is a war going on on Earth that humans are oblivious to and that the plastic that has come alive is simply being manipulated by an alien force. In investigating The Doctor, Mickey is replaced by a plastic facsimile that takes Rose out to lunch and pumps her for information on The Doctor. Rescuing Rose yet again, The Doctor uses the faux-Mickey’s head to try to find the signal that is controlling the plastic. Together, Rose and The Doctor hunt down the transmitter in London in search for the entity that is controlling the plastic with a sinister agenda against humanity!

“Rose” has moments that are genuinely creepy, though the basic concept is somewhat ridiculous. In the first adventure, aliens invade Earth to use their plastic because they have depleted theirs in a war that is only alluded to. As a result, most of the point of “Rose” is to establish the conventions of Doctor Who. The Doctor presents a great deal of exposition in “Rose” and a lesser actor than Christopher Eccleston would have completely botched it. Instead, The Doctor is immediately characterized as a smart guy who has a tongue-in-cheek sense of humor and a protective instinct for humanity.

The Doctor is a highly ethical character who has regret over his actions in the war that left the plastic creature as a refugee eager to shunt itself to Earth. Unlike something like Star Wars where military solutions seem inevitable or the point of the series, Doctor Who - despite its campy qualities even in “Rose” – strives for something smarter and more evolved. As such, The Doctor arrives at his alien nemesis, armed with an anti-plastic bomb, but refuses to use it in his first interaction with the creature. Instead, he just wants to talk with the entity and get it to leave humanity alone.

Rose is a likable character right off the bat for multiple reasons (not the least of which is that she is not an American size zero blonde). Rose is generally fearless and she lives in a very real world: when she tries to bring Wilson the lottery money, she walks around a mostly darkened basement not concerned about phantasms or things that go bump in the night because they do not exist in her world. Rose is willing to accept such fantastic things as sentient plastic and alien life forms (as well as the TARDIS, which appears to be the size of a phone booth on the outside, but is actually quite a bit bigger on the inside) when she encounters them and has empirical evidence to their existence.

Like The Doctor, Rose is smart. She reasons initially that the moving mannequins are students and the Doctor praises her as clever for the deductions. Moreover, Rose is not an inactive sidekick or a damsel in distress. While The Doctor rescues her, by the end of the episode, Rose has rescued him at least once as well. While the character’s inquisitive nature is alluded to in the way she hunts down Clive (a man who studies all things related to The Doctor) early in the episode, it is not presented as a driving aspect of her personality enough to make the episode’s climax be entirely credible.

That said, “Rose” works despite having a ridiculous plot and nothing in the way of truly developed themes or purpose (this is an exposition-heavy story that is very much a pilot episode) because of the quality of the acting. Christopher Eccleston is a genius character actor and his quirky, loose-body language for embodying The Doctor is distinctive and easy to watch. He is able to sell The Doctor as a goofy, lonely character who nevertheless cares deeply about humanity and, by the simple act of taking Rose’s hand, Rose. Billie Piper plays Rose well, though many of her reaction shots have her simply staring at The Doctor and looking somewhat amazed. Even so, Piper and Eccleston have pretty wonderful banter and under the direction of Keith Boak, “Rose” does not look or feel like a pilot episode. There is nothing clunky about the acting (save some of the reaction screams, most notably from Camille Coduri, who plays Rose’s mother, Jackie Tyler) and that makes the episode much more accessible than most pilot episodes.

“Rose” is also a rare episode of television that replays better with multiple viewings. Initially, the episode seems like it has a lot of potential for camp and that it could seem exposition-heavy. But, unlike some pilots, like the one for The X-Files (reviewed here!), “Rose” does not have any unnecessary scenes and it transitions well from creepy to self-mocking back to menacing. While I always wish for shows to have a sense of theme and meaning to them, “Rose” suffers because it is so busy defining the terms of this new Doctor Who that it does not develop beyond that. Fortunately, there is an entire season for the show to create more than just moody, science fiction with fast dialogue. But to establish the Ninth Doctor in “Rose,” creepy, momentarily ridiculous, and deceptively smart science fiction is all that we’re able to get. And it is enough.

[Knowing that single episodes are an inefficient way to get episodes, it's worth looking into Doctor Who - The Complete First Season on DVD or Blu-Ray, which is also a better economical choice than buying individual episodes. Read my review of the sole season with the Ninth Doctor here!
Thanks!]

For other works with Christopher Eccleston, be sure to visit my reviews of:
Thor: The Dark World
Unfinished Song
Amelia
G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra
Heroes - Season 1
28 Days Later . . .
Elizabeth

8*/10

For other Doctor Who episode and movie reviews, please visit my Doctor Who Review Index Page!

[*I agonized on the rating for this episode. While my initial reaction was to put it around a 7.5/10, the episode replays exceptionally well and there is enough to the episode that makes it worth watching multiple times for all of the things one catches upon repeat viewings. While better than The X-Files “Pilot,” “Rose” is not really strong enough on its own to merit an 8.5/10. I realized that my suspension of disbelief and patience with the show upon rewatching the episode came more from foreknowledge of where the season was going than an inherent hook and quality of the episode itself. Thus, 8/10 – solid acting, interesting characters, absurd plot, and an episode that truly means nothing bigger than itself thematically – is how the episode lands viewed on its own.]

© 2014 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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Oh So Ugly! The Toy Factory Captain Kirk Plush Utterly Disappoints!

The Good: Recognizable as a Star Trek character?
The Bad: Ugly, Proportions are off, Just ugly.
The Basics: A caricature of Captain Kirk, the Toy Factory plush Captain Kirk is a terrible representation of William Shatner’s Captain Kirk!


A few years ago, my wife got me one of the most horrible toys she ever found for me. That toy was the Scotty plush from Toy Factory (reviewed here!). At the same time that horrible plush was released, Toy Factory produced an equally ridiculous Captain Kirk plush. The Captain Kirk plush looks even less like the William Shatner version of Kirk than the Scotty doll looked like a version of James Doohan in fabric.

Basics

Captain Kirk, for those who are not in the know, is arguably the essential character of Star Trek (reviewed here!) as he is the heroic leader who commands the starship Enterprise. Played by William Shatner, Captain Kirk is a fairly recognizable character and Toy Factory made a plush doll of Captain Kirk to help milk Trekkers and Trekkies of their cash as part of the push for the new(er) movie Star Trek (reviewed here). Captain Kirk is easily recognizable by the yellow Command shirt he wears as the essential part of his uniform that differentiates him from other members of the Enterprise crew.

Sadly, this is arguably the poorest rendition of Captain Kirk ever made for licensed merchandise. The 9" tall stuffed Captain Kirk looks more like an Animated Series character than William Shatner's Captain Kirk. The hideous stuffed toy has his arms and legs spread wide, so it is over seven and a half inches wide at the widest point and it is over two inches deep. Captain Kirk is stitched up in three colors of fabric: black (shoes, pants, hair), yellow (shirt) and pink (face and hands). All other details that needed to be colored onto Captain Kirk are silk-screened on. As a result, Captain Kirk has a Command insignia badge silk-screened onto his chest. He also has his face silk-screened on!

This Captain Kirk plush is supposed to be the William Shatner Captain Kirk, not the new Chris Pine one. Either way, with the generic brown hair painted on the plush, this could just as easily be Walter Koenig’s Chekov as it is William Shatner’s Captain Kirk. Captain Kirk's face is a pretty generic set of lines (actually, the face looks exactly like the animated style of Clerks: The Animated Series) and Captain Kirk is smirking ironically. His eyes are essentially black dots and the mouth is a curved line that makes Captain Kirk look like he is smugly considering betraying the consumer.

The only stitching details for Captain Kirk come in the fact that there are two flaps sewn into the head for ears (these look like Shrek's ears more than Captain Kirk's) and on the hands. On the hands, there are three loops stitched perpendicular to the tips to provide the basic appearance of fingers.

What truly kills the toy for fans of Star Trek is that in trying to make something cute, Toy Factory made something out of proportion that looks slightly demonic. Captain Kirk's big round head is 3 1/2" in diameter. That is over a third of the toy's height taken up by the head! The torso and legs are an additional three inches, of which the feet are over an inch and a half tall! These insane proportions make Captain Kirk look utterly ridiculous.

Accessories

Captain Kirk comes with no accessories, nor are there any available. There is a tag on Captain Kirk's left hand indicating exactly who and what this toy is (and alerting me that there are Scotty and Spock plush toys as well). Because the toy cannot hold anything, there is no practical way to accessorize for it.

Playability

Captain Kirk is the first plush toy I've ever reviewed and I suppose that he could be played with like other stuffed animals would be. This toy is not exactly ideal for play - it does not stand up - or display - it is ghastly and embarrassing. As a result, it is hard to consider this aspect of the toy. Mine quickly ended up in a box, though my dog pulled it out and chewed on it, thinking perhaps that it was one of her toys. The dog seems to get more play out of the Captain Kirk plush than I do; even though it does not have a squeaker in it.

Collectibility

Well, I'm a pretty avid Trekker and I sell a lot of collectibles in addition to reviewing them. I have no idea who would want to collect these plush toys and I'm almost afraid to find out. The value of them has to be pretty low because they sell online more than they ever did in stores and they were also pretty commonly available in select claw machines. They proved so unpopular even there that I can still find them in some! Captain Kirk might well be the most common of these Toy Factory plushes.

Overview

There are plenty of great Star Trek collectibles for fans and collectors that are tasteful, fun and have some value. This Captain Kirk plush toy is just plain horrible and not worth tracking down, much less paying for . . . or spending the time trying to win from the claw machine game.

For other toys or merchandise of Captain Kirk, please be sure to visit my reviews of:
Minimates Gorn and Kirk two-pack
Art Asylum Captain Kirk MiniMates figure
2010 Legends Of Star Trek Captain Kirk

.5/10

For other toy reviews, please be sure to visit my Toy Review Index Page for an organized listing!

© 2014 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.

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Intriguing Frozen Yogurt: Ben & Jerry’s Banana Peanut Butter Greek Frozen Yogurt!

The Good: Good taste, Not terrible on the nutrition front, Fair trade certified
The Bad: More expensive than other Greek Frozen Yogurts, A little sour
The Basics: Ben & Jerry’s Banana Peanut Butter Greek Frozen Yogurt is one of the most versatile flavors of frozen yogurt and offers consumers an interesting treat worth trying.


Before Ben & Jerry’s, I had never had a Greek Frozen Yogurt. Come to think of it, the trend of Greek Yogurt is one I have largely managed to avoid, though because I am not a huge yogurt fan, it was pretty easy to avoid the trend. So, when my local grocery store was doing a pretty massive clearance of Ben & Jerry’s frozen products, the Greek Frozen Yogurts were ones I picked up mostly for the purpose of review (instead of pure enjoyment). Fortunately, my first experience with Ben & Jerry’s Greek Frozen Yogurt was pretty impressive. The first flavor I tried was their Banana Peanut Butter.

The Banana Peanut Butter Greek Frozen Yogurt has one of the most diverse flavor palates of any frozen treat I have tried.

Basics

Ben & Jerry’s Greek Frozen Yogurt comes in a pint container. The Banana Peanut Butter Greek Frozen Yogurt is a mostly smooth Greek Frozen Yogurt with a swirl of peanut butter in it. The swirl was fairly extensive, coming in about one in every other spoonful of the Greek Frozen Yogurt.

At (locally) $5.99 a pint, the Ben & Jerry’s Greek Frozen Yogurt is an expensive Greek Frozen Yogurt, though the flavor is worth it. This is made of decent ingredients and it is definitely worth the price. That said, those who are not into Greek yogurt might find the somewhat sour taste of the yogurt off-putting.

Ease Of Preparation

The Banana Peanut Butter Greek Frozen Yogurt is a lightly loaded Greek Frozen Yogurt. As a Greek Frozen Yogurt, preparation is ridiculously simple: one need only open the top of the container, scoop out a half cup and consume! There is no trick to preparing or eating the Banana Peanut Butter Greek Frozen Yogurt!

Taste

The Banana Peanut Butter Greek Frozen Yogurt smells strongly of peanut butter. In fact, putting one's nose close to the frozen yogurt yields an olfactory experience akin to just opening a jar of peanut butter; the scent is so strong.

On the tongue, the Banana Peanut Butter Greek Frozen Yogurt has one of the most variable flavors of any Greek Frozen Yogurt I've ever tried. Some bites have a slightly sour yogurt flavor which is finished nicely by the dry peanut butter flavor the frozen yogurt smells like. The flavor of banana comes out in about one in every three bites, but almost every bite of this Greek Frozen Yogurt has the flavor of peanut butter, alternating between a sweet and a dry peanut butter flavor. The sourness of the yogurt is sometimes cut by the flavor of the banana or the peanut butter, but more often than not, it is present in the flavor palate of the frozen yogurt.

Most of the time, the frozen yogurt leaves a slightly sour taste in one's mouth.

Nutrition

The Ben & Jerry’s Banana Peanut Butter Greek Frozen Yogurt is a fairly light Greek Frozen Yogurt with a medium light additive (the peanut butter swirl is very malleable in this frozen yogurt). The pint represents four half-cup servings. In the half-cup serving, there are 210 calories, 70 of which are from fat. The eight grams of fat represent 12% of the RDA of fat, with 12% of one’s RDA of saturated fat coming in the 2.5 grams of saturated fat in this Greek Frozen Yogurt. One serving has 25 mg of cholesterol (that’s 4% of the RDA!) and 100 mg of Sodium (4% RDA). The only other real nutrients are six grams of protein and 15% of the RDA of Calcium and 4% of the RDA of Vitamin A in the Banana Peanut Butter Greek Frozen Yogurt.

Ben & Jerry’s has decent ingredients, too. Made primarily of Skim milk, Greek Yogurt and liquid sugar! There is nothing unpronounceable in the ingredients list. The Banana Peanut Butter Ben & Jerry’s is Kosher, but not marked as gluten free. There are no allergy warnings on the package, but it is fair trade certified.

Storage/Clean-Up

Ben & Jerry’s Greek Frozen Yogurt is both a frozen and a dairy product, so it is pretty obvious that it must be kept frozen in order to remain viable. Kept frozen it remains fresh for months.

The Banana Peanut Butter Greek Frozen Yogurt is fairly light and it would be surprising if it left stains outside of light fabrics. As well, when the Greek Frozen Yogurt melts and gets onto fabrics, it will require one to wash it right out. On nonporous surfaces, the Greek Frozen Yogurt wipes off exceptionally easily.

Overall

The Ben & Jerry’s Banana Peanut Butter Greek Frozen Yogurt is surprisingly good, but mostly because every bite is completely different from every other one. The flavors and the generally good nutrition of the Greek Frozen Yogurt make the Banana Peanut Butter flavor one of the flavors worth trying.

For other Ben & Jerry’s Ice Creams, be sure to visit my reviews of:
What A Cluster Ice Cream
Limited Edition Pumpkin Cheesecake
Limited Batch Pina Colada

6.5/10

For other frozen treat reviews, please visit my Ice Cream Review Index Page for an organized listing!

© 2014 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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Some Might Call It An Inspired Debut; I Call It Crap! (Bjork Is My New Artist Of The Month!)

The Good: Moments of voice, Moments of lyrics or sound
The Bad: Just terrible sound, production, voice, Indecipherable lyrics, Musically nightmarish, Crediting
The Basics: Bjork's Debut prioritizes being different over being musical and the album is a mess in too many places and one I am eager to not recommend to anyone who likes music!


We all write our reviews in different ways, from a different perspective. I listen to a compact disc at least five times before I write even a word of a review of it. Instead, I listen to an album over and over again and see how it resonates, how it is arranged, what stands out, what does not hold up over many listens, etc. I have gotten in a small pile of Bjork's c.d.s because I thought it would be good to expand my horizons and I had heard that she was a true original. I am now on my ninth listen to Debut and I am hoping quite strongly that I can finish this review before it clocks over into time ten.

I am one who reviews a lot of music and one of my persistent themes is that sometimes there is an artist that is "the new thing we've heard before." So, for example, on Fountains Of Wayne's Traffic And Weather (reviewed here!) the group is pushing the envelope in the same general direction as Barenaked Ladies did on Are Men (reviewed here!). There is a pretty constant quest in the music world to be successful and that is what usually compels those releasing something new to release an album that is "something new that we've heard before" instead of a true original. On Debut, Bjork presents something new that we've never heard before.

Unfortunately, it's just terrible.

With eleven tracks clocking in at 48:26, Debut presents the pop/dance stylings of Iceland's Bjork, a waifish eccentric artist who appears on the cover of the c.d. as a teary-eyed specter that seems to resemble current Michael Jackson. Scary. Bjork is going to take most of the credit - and blame - for this highly assembled album as she wrote or co-wrote every track, but one (according the the top of the disc - the liner notes do not have lyrics or writing credits). She plays the keyboards, arranged the brass section with one of the players, and produced or co-produced two of the tracks. As well, she provides the primary vocals on Debut. So, as it seems, this is her work the way she apparently wanted it.

It freaks me out how bad this album is. In the interest of full disclosure, I'm not a huge fan of dance music. I can dig instrumental, remixes and orchestral works, but the heavy basslines, throbbing synths and dictatorial percussion of dance music often sets me off. The whole purpose of the music is largely to get one to move and it's often a very forced energetic form of movement that the music demands and it's more exercise than fun. Honestly, I'm not sure Bjork's alternative pop is truly considered dance, but given that most of the music seems to lean that way, it seems to fit.

First, what could pass from Debut? Well, there are hints of coherency and voice that come through on various tracks of Debut that imply that Bjork has talent. Is seems like she might be a decent soprano when she lets herself be, but more often she ventures into either the high alto range or just screeches. Those who might have been bothered by my defining Alanis Morissette's sound on Jagged Little Pill (reviewed here!) as shrieking ought to know that Morissette has nothing on Bjork's performance near the beginning of "Crying." There are musical moments where Bjork is downright painful. Oh, but this was supposed to be the positive section. On "Venus As A Boy," Bjork's voice comes through and illustrates a promise for the listener that leaves the listener feeling like the rest of the album might not be a wash.

And I want to give some serious, heartfelt credit to the originality of Bjork. Even on Debut, it is clear that she is doing her own thing and she has a perspective that is very different from most anyone else in music. I don't think there is anyone else who has recorded a track for a major label release from the toilets of a public space as Bjork does with "There's More To Life Than This."

Conceptually, "Venus As A Boy" has some moments where the lyrics are interesting and even clever. With sexually charged lyrics, Bjork sings about a man who has the powers of arousal and sophistication of the goddess of love. And it works. It's clever for a few moments and comprehensible and the idea of that much sensuality being locked into a man is an intriguing idea that no one else in music seems to feel free to explore.

The problems start in the lyrics and arrangement and the intensity of the song that guts its purpose and magic. "Venus As A Boy" is a great example; she sings some of the lines with a revelatory tone when she is singing "He's Venus as a boy!" after she has sung the line several times before. It's almost like Bjork expects it to be new and different again after she has already revealed the big "reversal" within the lyrics. By the time the build-up in the lyrics gets to the point where it truly would be a revelation, the listener has already heard it and the reaction is more "yeah, we got that, what else do you have for us?"

Vocally, Bjork is all over the map. She goes high, she goes low. On "There's More To Life Than This" right around the two minute mark, she growls. Not a sexy growl, but a dog-like feral growl that is unpleasant to the ears. But with tracks like "Like Someone In Love," possibly the most traditional sounding track (it has a lullaby/nightclub feel to it), Bjork gives a straightforward vocal presentation where her natural voice dominates the front spectrum of sound, selling her innate talent. At least, until the three minute mark where she begins to stretch her notes and words out for a section that makes for a contrast that undermines the inherent beauty of her voice on the rest of the song.

But the vocal quality on "Like Someone In Love" is clearly the exception to the rule on Debut. Opening with "Human Behavior," a track so overproduced that her natural voice barely comes through, listeners are left wondering what truly is Bjork's voice. Many of the tracks, like "Big Time Sensuality" and "Violently Happy" provide vocal performances that have no center. They are vocals clearly enhanced by production elements and twisted into something far away from a natural voice that one stops caring about the words because the level of production is so overbearing that whatever is being sung has a disingenuous quality to it. So, for example, on "Big Time Sensuality" when Bjork (apparently) sings about the joys of having real beauty and sex appeal (she gets growly when she's not being produced over) there is nothing sensual about her vocal performance. Instead, her message is incongruent with her presentation and the song just becomes about getting people to dance or move.

I write "apparently" when discussing the lyrics because most of the album is gibberish. The vocal presentations are so garbled on many of the tracks that Bjork is almost entirely indecipherable. After nine listens, I still catch new lyrics and I am pretty sure that I'm not getting all of the lines right. The problematic vocal aspect of this is that Bjork's pronunciation of English words on Debut are not all that good. Before some readers take offense to that, allow me to say this: I don't know why she is obsessed with singing in English. Finland, for example, has a very active rock/pop/metal/dance scene of people who sing in Finnish. Are they known the world around? No, but they are very popular there. My point with this apparent digression is this: Bjork's obvious discomfort with the English language on the pronunciation level (there are a lot of "dj" sounds for "y"'s for example and elongated vowels with odd stresses) makes me wonder why she bothered to even record in English. Unless it was a commercial decision, in which case I think it cheapens her integrity as an artist, but that's just me.

Either way, the lyrics are presented in a garbled fashion and lacking liner notes, it's difficult to tell what she's singing on many of the songs. What does come through it that many of the songs, like "Human Behaviour" and especially "There's More To Life Than This" are terribly repetitive. The same lines get repeated over and over again with throbbing baselines and heavy synths and degenerate into a hypnotic quality.

Even the more comprehensible lines, like Bjork opening "Aeroplane" with "I cannot live peacefully without you / For even a moment / I miss you terribly when you're away . . ." quickly become lost to a garbled sound that loses the words that Bjork is singing. But it seems Debut focuses on more philosophical things like the nature of existence ("There's More To Life Than This"), longing ("Aeroplane"), and the joys of being sexual ("Venus As A Boy" and "Big Time Sensuality"). The problem is, so many of the lyrics cannot be easily understood that their impact is truly lost.

This brings us to the music on Debut. When it isn't being straightforward dance or straightforward vocal pop, the songs are just weird. So, for example, "Aeroplane" has animal noises on it. But most of the album is keyboards, programming, drums, bass and guitar dominating Bjork's waifish vocals. "Come To Me" has a remarkably simple pop beat with minimal melody but even the strings and programming drown out most of Bjork's voice, making it yet another difficult to listen to track.

And the whole album is like that. It's electronic, it's dance, it's quietly eccentric and noisy and it obscures any genuine talent or artistry that Bjork might possess. And it is painfully unlike anything musical I've ever heard and I'm glad to be sending this one back. There's good weird out there; Debut is not it.

The best track is possibly the simplistic "Like Someone To Love," the low point is the thematic mess and atonal drecht that is "Violently Happy."

For other, former, Artist Of The Month works, please check out my reviews of:
The Beginning Of Survival - Joni Mitchell
Luck Of The Draw - Bonnie Raitt
Britney Jean (Deluxe Edition) – Britney Spears

3/10

For other music reviews, please check out my Music Review Index Page for an organized listing!

© 2014, 2008 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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Not Unpleasant, Marathon Smart Stuff Crunchy Trail Mix Snack Bars Still Lack A Hook!

The Good: Fairly healthy, Comparatively inexpensive, Does not taste bad . . .
The Bad: Not an impressive or distinctive flavor.
The Basics: Marathon Smart Stuff Crunchy Trail Mix Snack Bars are a very average health snack without a hook to truly sell them.


Recently, the discount food store near me got in a whole lot of meal bars, granola bars and energy bars, so I bought up a whole bunch and have been excitedly eating and reviewing them. Today, I’m up to my last Marathon bar. The Marathon Smart Stuff Crunchy Trail Mix Snack Bars are not the worst of the bunch that I tried, largely because they have an indistinct-enough name to make it impossible to hold them to a real flavor standard.

The Marathon Smart Stuff Crunchy Trail Mix Snack Bars are “powered by Snickers” and are basically a protein bar designed for hikers, dieters, and those who want something a little healthier than candy bars!

Basics

Snickers is best known for making the classic candy bar and the Marathon Smart Stuff bars are advertised as Powered By Snickers, which seems to mean “cashing in on the Snicker’s name.” Marathon Smart Stuff bars are part of M&M/Mars’s attempt to expand into snack and health foods, but they are not really chocolatey or like a Snicker’s Bar at all. The Crunchy Trail Mix Snack Bar have a very thin chocolate layer on the bottom, but they are not overly strong on the chocolate flavor.

Each Crunchy Trail Mix Snack Bar is in a 1.23 oz. bar that is foil-wrapped. Each bar represents a single serving and the Snack Bars are each 1 1/8” wide by 3/4” thick by 3 3/16” long Snack Bar that is unsurprisingly breakable or squishable. A box of Crunchy Trail Mix Snack Bars contains a dozen bars. Each bar looks like a chewy granola bar with a brown chocolate bottom. This is like a granola bar or Clif bar that looks much like a health bar, which is exactly what it is!

Ease Of Preparation

Eating Marathon Smart Stuff Crunchy Trail Mix Snack Bars is simple. After removing the foil wrapper, simply pull out the bar and stick it in your mouth. There is no particularly complicated equation to eating this snack; it is an entirely ready-to-eat food!

Taste

Unwrapping the Crunchy Trail Mix Snack Bar, there is a strong scent of fruit and nuts. The bars I had all smelled like fermenting raisins and honey. The scent of the fruit is much stronger than any other component of the bouquet and it prepares the consumer for a much fruitier granola bar than these snack bars actually are.

On the tongue, the Marathon Trail Mix Smart Stuff Snack Bars are vaguely sweet from the thin layer of milk chocolate, but otherwise they are exceptionally grainy in a very indistinct way. These mealy bars are not at all fruity, even though there are visible raisins in them! The Trail Mix bars have a grainy, vaguely nutty flavor broken up by the sweetness of the glaze that binds them together. This tastes like the middle ground between a flavorful granola bar and a protein-packed meal bar that just tastes dry and like some sort of industrial filler. Either way, this is not a very tasty or satisfying snack bar.

The Marathon Smart Stuff Crunchy Trail Mix snack bar has a very dry and slightly nutty aftertaste that lasts in the mouth for about fifteen minutes.

Nutrition

Marathon Smart Stuff Snack Bars are intended as a snack or a meal replacement. These 1.23 oz. Snack Bar represent a single serving and they are predictably healthy. Made primarily of multigrain crisps, milk chocolate, and toasted oats what surprised me was how there was nothing in these bars that was unpronounceable until the separate mineral list. This is a good food product and these Snack Bars were produced on equipment that may leave the bar with wheat, tree nuts and milk allergy warnings and they are not Vegan-compliant.

Marathon Smart Stuff's Crunchy Trail Mix Snack Bars have 130 calories, 30 of which are from fat. A full serving represents 5% of one's RDA of saturated fat and these are cholesterol free. Surprisingly, they are fairly low in sodium with only 85 mg per serving and there are 5 grams of protein to be had by eating a full bar. These are a significant source of Vitamin C and Calcium in that each bar has 20% of the RDA of each. A single bar also has 10% of one’s recommended daily allowance of Vitamins A and E, Iron, Magnesium, Zinc and Copper.

Storage/Cleanup

As a healthy snack, Marathon Smart Stuff Crunchy Trail Mix Snack Bar remain fresh so long as they are kept in their wrappers. As long as the bars are not heated up, they remain fresh and the only real clean-up for them comes from wiping up crumbs. If the Crunchy Trail Mix Marathon Smart Stuff bars get hot, though, the chocolate bottom will melt and cleaning that up can be a bit trickier, especially on light fabrics. Consult a fabric guide if the chocolate melts onto your clothes.

Overall

Marathon Smart Stuff Crunchy Trail Mix Snack Bars are healthy and good, but in no way impressive enough to make one want to stock up on them!

For other reviews of products by Snickers, please check out:
Marathon Crunchy Honey Graham Snack Bar Powered By Snickers
Marathon Smart Stuff Crunchy Chocolate Crisp Snack Bar
Snickers Dark

5/10

For other food and drink reviews, please check out my Food And Drink Review Index Page for an organized listing!

© 2014 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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Disney Remakes The Robert Louis Stevenson Classic Creatively, But Unremarkably, With Treasure Planet!

The Good: Good voice acting, Decent story/themes
The Bad: Incredibly predictable, Erratic animation
The Basics: Treasure Planet was something of an unsurprising flop for Disney as it retells Treasure Island in a creative futuristic setting.


With the way Disney animated films redefine the classics for so many children, it is sometimes hard to recall that virtually all of the Disney feature films are simply retellings of classic (public domain) stories. The sanitized way Disney presents Grimm’s fairy tales has created a family-friendly children’s library of home videos for decades and the latest generation seems to have no idea that most of those films are based on stories that are usually gruesome and gory. Every now and then, Disney makes a much more obvious adaptation of a work that is less old. It did so in 2002 with Treasure Planet.

Treasure Planet, despite its futuristic setting, is an obvious retelling of the Robert Louis Stevenson novel Treasure Island. It is one of Disney’s non-musical animated features and Treasure Planet has the distinction of being one of Disney’s all-time biggest box-office losers. Given the erratic quality of the animation (characters proportions change frequently and the film has unfortunately inconsistent physics in it), it is less of a surprise that this charmless movie did not catch on with its target child demographic.

As a child, Jim is told tales of the great space pirate Flynn and his massive treasure. Apparently, he plundered hundreds of planets all over the galaxy and somehow made off with the treasures of those worlds which he stashed somewhere secret. As a young adult, Jim Hawkins meets Doctor Doppler and unlocks a holographic map that Doppler was unable to access. Doppler believes that the map might lead them to the fabled treasure planet. They board Captain Amelia’s space pirate ship to go in search of Treasure Planet.

Aboard the ship, Jim is treated as a common deckhand and John Silver tries to keep him busy and away from the other alien deckhands. While Doppler develops a romantic relationship with Amelia, Jim uncovers a mutiny brewing among the disreputable deckhands. With the help of a tiny shapechanging alien, Doppler, Amelia, and Jim manage to escape the mutiny aboard the ship to reach the fabled planet where the treasure is supposed to exist. While outwitting the deckhands, Jim meets a baffled robot, B.E.N. With B.E.N.’s help, Jim unlocks the secrets of the Treasure Planet and learns how the long-dead pirate robbed planets all over the galaxy and the dangers he left behind to protect his stash!

Arguably the best aspect of Treasure Planet for adults like me is the participation of David Hyde Pierce as Doppler. David Hyde Pierce plays Doppler in a way that is surprisingly similar to his trademark character Niles from Frasier (reviewed here!) and as a result of some typecasting, he is given the best lines of the movie. For sure, Doppler is a somewhat snobby, fish-out-of-water alien character on the spaceboat and the role is well within Pierce’s established wheelhouse, but it does not stop his delivery of jokes from being enjoyable and virtually all that makes Treasure Planet watchable.

The story, of course, is one that is packed with themes of greed vs. altruism and the usual Disney coming-of-age story. Unfortunately, in this concept, Jim Hawkins is a largely unremarkable protagonist. Instead of developing his character to be truly compelling in any noticeable way, Disney crammed as many of its usual conceits into this production as it could. As a result, the Doppler/Amelia romantic subplot is a poorly-developed, thoroughly predictable plot device more than it is an organically-developed character interaction. The usual Disney sidekick appears in Treasure Planet in two forms: Morph and B.E.N., either of which seem like they could have been thrown in for a merchandising angle.

On the more factual front, the story is fairly predictable for anyone who knows the concept of Treasure Island. Greed leads mutineers to come into conflict with the brave intellectuals who run the ship and want to gain all the riches in the galaxy for undefined, nefarious, purpose. The film is essentially a few monolithic good characters versus a few monolithic bad characters with only John Silver as a shifty character that switches sides. But the change in allegiance that Silver goes through is more based on expediency than ideology, which makes Jim’s acceptance of him more a form of ignorance than character.

Amid the highlights of Treasure Planet are the vocal performances. Joseph Gordon-Levitt does an adequate job of playing Jim Hawkins with youthful exuberance, even if the character is somewhat unremarkable. Emma Thompson plays another strong female character in the role of Captain Amelia. The character might be a bit monolithic, but Thompson presents the leader of the ship as a credible authority. Her voice is strong and she is good for embodying that type of character in a realistic way. Similarly, Laurie Metcalf is good at vocalizing Ben’s mother and all of the rest of the cast does a decent job at giving their alien personas slight pirate accents.

Despite the erratic animation in Treasure Planet and the simplicity of the way the concept is reimagined, the shorter Disney film is not bad, just unremarkable save some of the performers and the way they rise to the occasion of presenting the material.

For other Disney animated films, please visit my reviews of:
Frozen
Monsters University
Wreck-It Ralph
Brave
Tangled
Toy Story 3
A Christmas Carol
Up
Ponyo
The Princess And The Frog
Bolt
WALL-E
The Incredibles
Lilo & Stitch
Atlantis: The Lost Empire
Monsters, Inc.
Mulan
Hercules
The Lion King
Beauty And The Beast
The Little Mermaid
Lady And The Tramp
The Sword In The Stone
The Aristocats
Sleeping Beauty
Fantasia

4.5/10

For other movie reviews, please check out my Film Review Index Page for an organized listing!

© 2014 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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