The Good: Interesting tastes, Good regular flavors, Novelty appeal.
The Bad: Absolutely disgusting flavors, Ridiculously expensive.
The Basics: Despite having some vile flavors that are very accurate to their disgusting promised potential, the Jelly Belly Bertie Botts Every Bean Assortment is not worth buying.
I've not, traditionally, been a fan of the Harry Potter books or films, so when my wife told me about the fan appeal of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, I had to take her word for it. On our way out to the preview screening of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows, Part 1 (click here for my review of that!) we picked up a bag of the treats. For a tiny 3 oz. bag, $4.00 seemed a bit expensive even though they came in a cute blue cloth bag. What astonished me at least as much as the fact that these jelly beans were so expensive and so popular was how gross some of the flavors appeared and how two different brands had made and marketed this product! Yes, there is a Jelly Belly Bertie Bott's Assortment and another brand. This review is for the Jelly Belly Bertie Bott's Assortment. As I have a known love of Jelly Belly jelly beans, it seems natural I would get around to sampling and reviewing these.
And I am very much able to say that this is not a culinary experiment I will be indulging in again.
For those who might never have had Jelly Belly jelly beans, these are easily the best jelly beans on the planet, packing a lot of flavor into a very small size. Unlike most jelly beans which are only vaguely flavored and are more based on colors, Jelly Belly jelly beans have a wide variety of actual flavors, like dark chocolate, chili mango, strawberry cheesecake or their signature flavor Buttered Popcorn.
Who might like the Bertie Bott's Jelly Bellys? My only guess is the die-hard Harry Potter fans. They might have the stomach and fortitude for these flavors or enjoy the novelty appeal, but after one sampling run through the flavors, I've had enough.
Basics
The Bertie Bott's Assortment of Jelly Belly Jelly beans is a mix of twenty (or possibly twenty-one) flavors of Jelly Bellys, most of which are unique to the assortment. The full assortment includes the unique flavors: Booger, Black Pepper, Earthworm, Dirt, Ear Wax, Sausage, Grass, Vomit, Soap, Sardine, Pickle, Rotten Egg and possibly one mystery new flavor. Also, from the regular Jelly Belly assortment, the bags of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans now include:
Blueberry
Very Cherry
Sizzling Cinnamon
Grape Jelly
Tutti-Fruitti
Lemon Drop
Toasted Marshmallow
Buttered Popcorn
I am not sure why those eight flavors ended up in the assortment, but they do cut the grossness factor down quite a bit. As well, because they are thoroughly reviewed by me elsewhere, I see no reason to repeat those reviews. I would recommend any of those (save Tutti-Fruitti) above any of the flavors in this assortment in a heartbeat.
This assortment is a collection of duds which, to be fair, is filled with beans that taste remarkably accurate for most of the flavor they intend to be. Jelly Belly jelly beans are approximately one half inch long by one quarter inch wide and they are roughly bean-shaped.
The Bertie Bott's assortment of Jelly Bellys are only available, that I can find, in the 3 oz. bag, at least the Jelly Belly assortment of them. A 3 oz. bag is more than enough to sample these beans and to pretty much void the contents of the stomach.
Several of the Bertie Bott's flavors are tough to tell apart, especially in low lighting, but my partner and I sat down for an hour and tried them out. In the process, we seem to have discovered a new mystery flavor, which might have been inserted into our bags to test-market.
Ease Of Preparation
These are jelly beans, and the Bertie Bott's flavors is a very limited assortment. There are approximately three to four of each of the flavors in this assortment in the bag and they require no real preparation. I highly recommend taking them out, inspecting them and then proceeding when you know exactly which flavor you are about to consume. Otherwise, the best use of Bertie Bott's beans might well be to reverse peristalsis.
Taste
I started my tastetest with Black Pepper. Black Pepper is a gray bean with black spots which instantly disturbed me by its lack of odor. Right away, Black Pepper impressed me as being very true to the flavor of black pepper. It instantly reminds the consumer of coarsely ground fresh black pepper and this was a surprisingly tasty bean.
I followed with Grass. Grass is a light, translucent green with a faint scent. However, like the prior flavor, it tastes very leafy and the smell that tickles down the throat is very much the scent of fresh-cut grass. This flavor is true to the concept and while it is not bad on its own, it is not terribly appealing.
Pickle came next and, truth be told, I'm not a fan of real pickles in real life. However, this sickly olive green bean with the dark green spots did not disturb me. There was almost no scent and almost no taste to the shell of the bean. When cracked open it almost immediately effervesced with the vinegar scent of pickles. This is very true to the flavor of dill pickles, without the sour bite, which is probably why I enjoyed them.
Then came Vomit. Vomit is a flavor my partner is absolutely convinced has been recently reworked because of customer complaints (including hers). Vomit is a salmon-colored jelly bean with orange and brown spots. The beans have a faint odor of bile when grouped together. However, it does not taste like vomit (which my partner was quite glad for - apparently the original runs of these beans did and would induce vomiting). Instead, this bean is sour and salty on the tongue. When broken open, this is deceptively sweet. Marketed correctly, this could be Sweet And Sour Sauce after the "Harry Potter" fad fades.
Next came Soap. Soap is a translucent baby blue with white swirls that actually looks like it was a bubbling liquid. Even with only two in our assortment, it smelled potently of dishsoap. Even without breaking the shell, this is like swallowing bubble soap when one puts it on the tongue. The more one breaks up the jelly bean, the more the taste spreads through one's mouth like actual soap. This taste, rather unfortunately, lingers and does not wash out with water, making it one of the most disgusting and distinctive flavors in the assortment.
We tried Rotten Egg next. This looked a lot like Buttered Popcorn, save that it was a dull off-white with yellowish and gray undertones. It, too, lacked a scent. This was arguably one of the most diverse tastes for a Jelly Belly as it is almost flavorless initially. It then becomes sickly sweet and at the height of the sweet portion, it becomes almost like vinegar before transforming horribly into a salty, dry taste that is more analogous to ginger root.
Earwax is a translucent off-white jelly bean that was the next for me to taste. It smelled appropriately waxy and tasted appropriately waxy as well. After the waxy dullness fades, it has a more tangy kick. The aftertaste is salty and vile, like earwax.
I was not wary about trying Sardine after that. The Sardine Jelly Belly is light gray and smells slightly fishy. The outer shell had an almost fizzy effect when it was placed on the tongue, but no actual flavor. Biting into it, it occurred to me that I've never actually eaten sardines. This Jelly Belly is very salty, which makes the pre- and after-tastes more disturbing.
Then we encountered a mystery flavor. While we initially thought it might be Sausage from the chart that accompanied the bag, the purple bean with black spots tasted nothing like Sausage. Instead, as I was feeling nauseated by this point, I placed it on my tongue with trepidation. However, the outer shell was generically sweet. The inside tasted sweet and vaguely spiced, so my guess was it was some faded licorice flavor.
Sausage (for real) was the next flavor on the docket and the shell was reddish-brown with tiny white and brown spots in it. This flavor, like so many, lacked a distinctive scent. The outer shell tastes slightly salty in a way that connotes sausage drippings. Biting into it, one gets the flavor of a hint of red pepper and mixed meat Italian sausage. This was pleasantly true to form.
The Earthworm flavor was one I was feeling pretty gross about and somehow Jelly Belly managed to make some serious magic with this jelly bean. Instead of tasting entirely gross, this reddish bean with purple spots had no scent and had an oddly spicy outer shell. There was a very earthy taste inside and the magic is that the inside had a wormy texture as it sat on my tongue and was ground between my teeth. It was pretty gross.
Dirt, by comparison, was a darker purple with brown and black spots. It had an appropriately earthy scent, like tilled earth after a rain. The bean was salty and dry on the tongue with a slightly clove-like flavor. Only when I had two or more on my tongue did this truly leap out with the true flavor of dirt. But when it did, wow!
Wow as well for Booger, the disgusting finale to this assortment. Booger is yellow and brown with spots like a horrid mix of Buttered Popcorn and Toasted Marshmallow flavors. It smells like sinus infected mucus and I gagged at the thought of putting it in my mouth. Still, I did. The shell is sweet and almost becomes lemon-flavored when it is broken open. Unfortunately, it then becomes grossly chewy and becomes salty before losing all taste. When it becomes tasteless, it has a consistency like dehydrated rubber cement and this creates the booger sensation even more than the taste.
Nutrition
Again, these are jelly beans and the Bertie Bott's Assortment jelly beans are primarily made of sugar, corn syrup, and modified food starch. Jelly beans, even Jelly Belly jelly beans, are not a legitimate source of nutrition. These are a snack food, a dessert, and are in no way an adequate substitute for a real meal. A serving is listed at thirty-five beans, with each Jelly Belly jelly bean having approximately four calories. This means that in a single serving, there are 140 calories, which is 12% of your daily recommended intake.
The thing is, Jelly Belly jelly beans are not as bad as they could be in the nutrition area. They have no fat and no protein, but for those who have ever dated a Vegan, these are Vegan compliant because they contain no gelatin! Some Vegans consider the wax in the coating in the Jelly Belly jelly beans to be not Vegan compliant. I suppose it depends on just how strict a Vegan your Vegan is, if this matters at all. Generally, they are animal free! Jelly Belly jelly beans have only one percent of the daily sodium with 15 mg and they are gluten free!
Storage/Clean-up
Jelly Belly jelly beans have a shelf life of approximately one year and I have yet to run across a stale Jelly Belly, though some of the ones in the Bertie Bott's assortment will make it there if I don't unload them on some unsuspecting enemy before the end of the year. They remain freshest when they are kept in an airtight container (the plastic bag in the cloth bag is sufficient if it is kept closed) and they ought to be kept in a cool environment. Storing them in hot places is likely to make the beans stick together and be gross. Kept in a cool, dry place, the beans retain their flavor perfectly.
As for cleanup, unless one allows the Jelly Belly to get hot to the point that the waxy coating on the bean melts, the dyes on these do not bleed or denature, so there is usually no cleanup necessary, not even washing one's hands after eating them (though several of these flavors are likely to make one want to wash their mouth out continually or brush their teeth several times after consuming them). I've never had Bertie Bott's Jelly Bellys stain anything.
Overall
Ultimately, the Bertie Bott's Assortment is a novelty assortment and it is only popular because of the hype. These are gross and not truly fit for extended human consumption. Outside one bag for kids who are fans of the books, these ought to be avoided at all costs. And given how expensive they are for such a small serving, that may be easily arranged by most.
For other Harry Potter-themed merchandise, please check out my reviews of:
Hallmark 2010 Gift For Dobby (limited Edition!) Ornament
Hallmark 2010 "The Pensieve" Harry Potter ornament
Hallmark 2009 "Harry! Happy Birthday!" Harry Potter Ornament
3/10
For other food and drink reviews, please visit my index page by clicking here!
© 2010 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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