Not Emblematic, The 2015 Y-Wing Starfighter Star Wars Ornament Is, Eh, All Right.

The Good: Great rendering, Decent balance
The Bad: No light effect, Sound effect is not iconic, Low "wow" factor.
The Basics: The Y-Wing Starfighter is a technically-impressive, still underwhelming Star Wars Hallmark ornament.


For a change, this year, I don't envy Hallmark when it comes to its Star Wars ornament line. The Star Wars ornament line is usually a pretty reliable cash cow for Hallmark and they milk the hell out of the fans. This year is no exception to that with Star Wars fans having the usual ship and diorama ornaments, but instead of one character-based ornament (and the usual limited edition and convention exclusives!), this year Hallmark has a whopping four general release character ornaments for Star Wars fans! Where I don't envy Hallmark, though, is with their Star Wars vehicle ornament line. Hallmark has done a pretty admirable job of releasing every major ship in the Star Wars franchise in ornament form at this point (except, as is it turns out the Tantive IV blockade runner!) and for 2015 they were stuck churning out a starship ornament that was not at all iconic . . . because they couldn't release a ship ornament from The Force Awakens so early. This year, Hallmark released the Y-Wing Starfighter ornament and it's hard not to feel a little exploited as a fan. Sure, Hallmark wanted to make its $30 off Star Wars fans and the well was pretty dry, but it shows a pretty low regard for the fans when the products released are either unremarkable like the Y-Wing Starfighter ornament or recycled, like this year's C-3PO and R2-D2 ornament (reviewed here!), where both had already been the subject of prior years' solo ornaments!

All that said, the Y-Wing Starfighter ornament is generally well-rendered, but it's not a particularly exciting or impressive ship. It takes a real die-hard fan to geek out for even an immaculately sculpted piece of Y-Wing merchandise!

For those unfamiliar with the Y-Wing Starfighter, this is one of the many Rebel ships seen attacking the Death Star in A New Hope (reviewed here!). Not at all one of the indispensable ships of the Star Wars universe, the Y-Wing Starfighter was one of only two types of ships the Rebels used to attack the first Death Star, but none of them were manned by recognizable characters from the rest of the film (or franchise!).

Hallmark has the ship alone as the subject of the 2015 Y-Wing Starfighter ornament.

Basics

The "Y-Wing Starfighter" ornament faithfully recreates the Rebel vessel in fine detail on such things as the engine pods; the ornament is certainly recognizable. The ornament, released in 2015, is an impressive casting of the standard Rebel attack ship with its exceptionally simple paint job and a sound feature. Measuring five and three-quarters inches long, 3 1/4” wide and 1” tall, the Y-Wing Starfighter ornament fits the scale of the Star Wars ship ornament line. The $29.95 original issue price is high for an ornament without a light function, but it is what fans have come to expect to shell out for a ship ornament and Hallmark isn't giving those fans a break this year (though fans can easily find this one cheaper!).

The Hallmark "Y-Wing Starfighter" ornament is made of a durable plastic and has the ship on its own, as is typical for Hallmark's starship and vehicle line of Star Wars ornaments. The Y-Wing Starfighter is detailed incredibly, from the basic shape, which features the standard cockpit section attached to a main section and two engine nacelles that thrust back, so that when looked at from an overhead angle with the cockpit forward, it looks like a "Y." The engine nacelles feature surprisingly boning and Hallmark even molded the front cannons on in an appropriate scale and thinness. The cockpit is molded with the primary window in black opaque plastic, but wisely the coloring makes it impossible to see inside and thus critique Hallmark for not getting the pilot or cockpit right!

The coloring is generally accurate; this is a ship with colored racing stripes, but no visible wear, as if this Y-Wing came right off the Rebel assembly line.

Features

As a Hallmark Keepsake ornament, the "Y-Wing Starfighter" has a sound function, no light one. Given how the Y-Wing Starfighter had noticeable engine lights, the lack of a light function is a little disappointing, but it's not surprising Hallmark opted not to do a light effect. Lights would have been hard to place correctly and, frankly, Hallmark knew it would make its money on the ornament anyway, so why try harder?! The vehicle is powered by two small watch batteries (which come with the ornament).

After the batteries are installed and the battery compartment is closed, there is a button hidden discretely on drive section. Pressing the button down, the sound clip begins to play. For several seconds, the Y-Wing Starfighter plays sounds from the attack on the Death Star. Various Y-Wing fighter pilots chime in and the vehicle's weapons sounds play. None of the sounds associated with the Y-Wing Starfighter are especially distinctive and memorable from the film.

Balance

As with all ornaments, the intent of the Hallmark Keepsake "Y-Wing Starfighter" ornament is to be hung on a Christmas Tree. And for those creating the ultimate Star Wars Christmas Tree, one of the "Y-Wing Starfighter" ornaments is an entirely unnecessary addition, as none of the recognizable character were ever even seen near one of these vehicles. The ornament has the standard steel hook loop embedded into the top center of the vehicle’s drive section. From there, the Y-Wing Starfighter hangs perfectly level! This is a wonderfully-balanced ornament.

Collectibility

Hallmark Keepsake began delving into the collectibles market in 1991 with Star Trek when it introduced the exceptionally limited edition original U.S.S. Enterprise ornament (reviewed here!). Since then, they have made ornament replicas from properties like Star Wars, Harry Potter and Tron. The "Y-Wing Starfighter" ornament seems to be overproduced relative to the demand and The Force Awakens is not going to make new fans want to buy up this particular ornament. The result is that easy money is on waiting for after the holiday to buy this for anyone who absolutely must have every Star Wars ornament. There is no good reason to purchase it at full price; there should be adequate quantities left after the holidays to get it at least half-price!

Overview

The Y-Wing Starfighter is a perfectly molded and accurately colored, but it is expensive and hard to get excited about because it is far from an iconic or even interesting Star Wars vehicle - in the films or in ornament form!

For other Hallmark ornaments of Star Wars ships, please check out my reviews of:
2006 Imperial AT-AT
2009 Luke's Landspeeder
2010 Rebel Snowspeeder
2011 Slave I
2012 TIE Interceptor
2013 All Terrain Scout Transport (AT-ST)
2014 Sandcrawler

7.5/10 (Not Recommended!)

For other ornament reviews, please check out my Ornament Review Index Page!

© 2015 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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Discontent Rocks On John Mellencamp's A Biography!

The Good: Decent vocals, A number of good lyrics, Overall sound
The Bad: Some cringeworthy lyrics (rhymes), Repetition
The Basics: A Biography is a surprisingly solid early album by John Mellencamp which oscillates between strong musical statements and predictable rhymes.


I will admit that when it comes to my music criticisms, early albums have a tendency to suffer under my pen. I found myself considering that as I listened (and re-listened and re-listened!) to John Mellencamp's early album A Biography. A Biography was Mellencamp's second album that he released under his early stage name Johnny Cougar and it got me thinking that this is what so many demo albums sound like. The album is not a demo, but given that it is Mellencamp's first entire album where he released songs he himself wrote, it acts in many ways like one.

As a result, A Biography showcases the many (early and innate) talents of John Mellencamp and while my first listen yielded a "the sound is so limited!" reaction, the more I listened to the album, the more that reaction softened. Yes, A Biography sounds a lot like John Mellencamp was composing through class and got stuck in his own head on some songs and then got together with some friends and knocked out the recording with a small garage band, but that doesn't make the album bad. In fact, it makes it all the more impressive that Mellencamp found an early audience and managed to get the time and industry support to develop.

With only ten songs, clocking out at 42:58, A Biography is a fairly short album that managed not to sound short, probably because of the relative strength of the lyrics on the songs. As well, Mellencamp manages to balance energetic rock songs and more melancholy ballads to arrange the album in a compelling way. A Biography very much represents the creative talents of John Mellencamp (regardless of what name he went by for the album's release). Mellencamp wrote and composed all ten songs and he provides all of the lead vocals on A Biography. Mellencamp also plays acoustic guitar on the album and did some of his own backing vocals. The only major creative control Mellencamp ceded was on production; the album was produced by John Punter.

A Biography is a John Mellencamp album that sounds like proper John Mellencamp. The album is guitar-heavy and what might surprise listeners who only really heard his radio hits is how heavy the guitars rock on some of the songs. Indeed, "Born Reckless" - if the vocals are removed - sounds more like a ZZ Top song than what one thinks of as a work by John Mellencamp! The drums are heavy on "Factory" and Mellencamp pulls off quiet and cerebral using subtle saxophones on "Taxi Dancer." The noticeable departure from the guitar-driven sound of the rest of the songs (outside the quieter "Taxi Dancer") is "I Need A Lover," which has pretty strong keyboards.

But what I mean by sounding like a "proper" John Mellencamp album is definitely in the vocals. All ten tracks sound exactly, as one might expect, like John Mellencamp. While some artist's voices evolve and change, A Biography makes the argument that by his second album, John Mellencamp had found his sound. He stays within a very familiar range, his voice sounds occasionally raspy, and the rest of the time is smooth and clear.

The clarity is no surprise given how Mellencamp wrote all of the songs on A Biography; he's an artist who has something to say and he is determined to make sure listeners understand what he is singing. On A Biography, John Mellencamp most frequently sings about social issues. In the heartland folk tradition, Mellencamp sings musical storysongs on songs like "Taxi Dancer." Mellencamp evolves the unfortunate character who ". . . started out, just to be a dancer / Gonna make her livin' dancin' / In the Broadway shows / So she hitchhiked cross the country /From Pasaroba to the Big Red Apple / Where your dreams are made / Your debts must be paid on time / Well she wasn't used to livin' in the city / So she took a job cleanin' up as a maid" ("Taxi Dancer"). The story might be more universal than we like to admit, but Mellencamp makes it easy with "Taxi Dancer" to empathize with everyone who has chased a failed dream.

While he sings about relationships on "I Need A Lover," John Mellencamp is far more sensitive to women on songs like "Taxi Dancer" than on "High C Cherrie." "High C Cerrie" is a musical storysong about a hooker and with that song, he creates a pretty despicable worldview (his musical protagonist is animalistic and a would-be rapist). After trying to get laid for a six-pack, the musical protagonist hounds the song's subject: "Hey baby, are you with escort / Are you really on your way home / (Cherrie) Would you make it with a poor schoolboy / Would you let this dog throw you his bone / I don't mean to be pushy / But I know I'd shove you down on the ground (hell ya) / How can a sane man / Adjust to havin' you around" ("High C Cherrie"). Fortunately, that song is the exception to the rule on the album and Mellencamp makes it pretty clear the song's protagonist is worse than the hooker, which makes it interesting.

But not all of the songs are winning for the way Mellencamp wrote them. "Factory" is, as one might expect, a song about slaving away in the factory as a youth. Work songs are a pretty compelling genre, especially for expressing discontent with the status quo. Mellencamp gets in his social commentary when he sings "I'm diggin' real hard for some money to spend / Well it ain't that bad if the summer's free / I got my evenings ... to cruise the scene oh yeah," but he almost completely guts the punch of such lines with the obvious, cringeworthy, rhymes "Working at the factory / Gonna get me some of them luxuries / Well now me and the boys / Machines are making noise" ("Factory").

Despite some mediocre lines and the way the opening song just keeps going, A Biography is eminently listenable and well worth picking up even now. The best track is "Let Them Run Your Lives," the low point is "Alley Of Angels."

For reviews by other, former, Artist Of The Month artists, please check out my reviews of:
The King Of Rock: The Complete 50's Masters - Elvis
Rumours (2-disc version) - Fleetwood Mac
Cold Spring Harbor - Billy Joel

6/10

See how this album stacks up against others I've reviewed by checking out my Music Review Index Page where reviews are organized from best to worst work!

© 2015 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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Not Selling The Concept, Stash Black Forest Tea Underwhelms!

The Good: Easy to prepare, Does not taste bad, Caffeinated
The Bad: Extraneous tea garbage, Virtually no flavor
The Basics: An entirely unimpressive beverage experience, Stash Black Forest Tea fails to live up to the promised flavor.


Every now and then, I get a culinary question that has a remarkably simple answer. Up until tonight, I would occasionally find myself asking, "Just what the hell flavor is 'Black Forest?!'" After all, I've had Black Forest Cake and Black Forest Ham and there was no similarities I could find between the rich chocolate cake and the smoky, salted ham. Tonight, a box of Stash Tea cleared up the not-really-mystery for me. According to the box of Stash Tea, Black Forest is a blend of chocolate and cherry, which certainly fits with my preconceived notion of the flavor based on the cakes I've eaten for years. Unfortunately, Stash Tea's rendition of the flavor is not all it is supposed to be.

Today has been a gloomy, rainy day here in Northern Michigan and as I've sat reading, I've had pots of tea brewing and as I reached the end of my stock of Stash Black Forest tea, it occurred to me that it was time to review it. Alas, I discovered, I had remarkably little to say about it. Stash Black Forest Tea might as well be an unflavored black tea for all the additional flavor it possesses and embodies.

Basics

Black Forest is a tea from Stash. It is a tea that is naturally caffeinated, as it is an unadulterated black tea. Black Forest comes in Stash's standard individually-wrapped tea bags, means that each tea bag has a wax papery envelope it is sealed in for freshness. Each tea bag has a five-inch string with a little paper tab at the end, which is quite a bit more waste than I like from a tea bag. When I make pots of tea, I tend to use three bags and making a steeping pot of Black Forest reminds me of why I like the easy environmentalism of Celestial Seasonings' stringless bags. A box of Black Forest comes with 18 individually-wrapped tea bags.

Ease Of Preparation

Black Forest is a black tea, which means preparation is as easy as boiling a pot of water! Black Forest, as the directions clearly state, requires water that is boiling. A single tea bag will make the standard 8 oz. coffee mug worth of tea, though reusing the tea bags yields a mug full which is about 3/4 strength, so this is not the worst tea bag to reuse for tea misers.

To prepare Black Forest, simply boil up some water, and pour it over the tea bags in a cup, mug or steeping pot. This tea is recommended to take three to five minutes to steep and with boiling water, the tea is ready at the three minute mark. It did not get any more flavorful with more time added to its steeping.

Taste

Black Forest Tea smells like a simple, plain black tea, with perhap a hint of cocoa to it. The chocolate element to the aroma is buried deep beneath the scent of black tea and is very subtle compared to the overt, overwhelming tea scent the steam from the cup carries.

For a tea advertised to taste like chocolate and cherry, the Stash Black Forest Tea falls woefully short. At best, there were hints of black cherry flavor in the tea's aftertaste, which is an underwhelming position for any flavor. Instead, the palate of the tea is dominated by plain, dull black tea flavoring and the result is utterly unimpressive. This tea tastes very much like someone placed a drop or two (no more!) of Marachino Cherry juice into a cup of hot, black tea.

Interestingly, the Black Forest Tea has no noticeable aftertaste - good or bad.

Nutrition

That Stash’s Black Forest is dominated by tea flavor is unsurprising given that black tea is the primary ingredient. Ironically, because cocoa shells and hibiscus are the next two ingredients, it is surprising that the cherry flavor comes through more than anything even remotely chocolate (chery flavor is the final ingredient in the list!). Black Forest tea is appears to be all-natural, caffeinated and Kosher. It is not marked as gluten-free.

This tea is devoid of any nutritional value. It contains no calories, fat, sodium, carbohydrates or protein.

Storage/Clean-up

Stash's Black Forest is a fairly dark black tea, so it will stain light fabrics for sure. The mugs and steeping pot easily rinse out. This tea will stain if it is left on fabrics, so consult a fabric guide for cleaning any fabric this black tea gets on.

Black Forest is easy to clean up after - the tea bags may be disposed in the garbage, or composted if you have a good garden and/or compost pile. One of the nice things about this tea - like most - is that so long as it is kept cool and dry, it can last for a long time and it is easy to clean up. Like all Stash teas, there is extra waste from the strings, paper tabs and individual wrappings around each bag.

Overall

Stash Black Forest is a bland tea that is little more than tea-flavored water. It's not horrible, but it does not live up to the promise of Black Forest . . . even the ham flavor!

For other Stash teas, please check out my reviews of:
Christmas Eve Tea
Stash Peach Black tea
Stash Earl Grey

2.5/10

For other beverage reviews, please check out my Drink Review Index Page!

© 2015 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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Surviving Space: The Martian Balances Practical Science And Entertainment Shockingly Well!

The Good: Decent performances, Interesting characters, Good pacing for the relative lack of plot
The Bad: Glossed-over characters/initial pacing seems very fast
The Basics: The Martian does what several of the recent science fiction space exploration films have failed to do in creating a plausible narrative that remains entertaining.


Whatever NASA is currently spending on advertising - if it even has an advertising budget at this point - it might as well reroute that money. Hollywood films are produced with a much more significant budget and between Gravity (reviewed here!), Interstellar (reviewed here!) and now The Martian, the enthusiasm for practical space travel seems to be the highest it has been in years. Despite all of the initial hype for Gravity and the fantastic elements that made Interstellar a box-office hit, the superior film of the three is The Martian.

I was drawn to The Martian based on the strength of director Ridley Scott's prior science fiction work, Prometheus (reviewed here!) and I was somewhat surprised that my appreciation of that film did not get me excited about any of Scott's projects in between. I was pretty psyched to go into The Martian without any knowledge about the film outside the tagline on the movie poster and the fact that Matt Damon was the lead in it. That led me to the rare pleasant surprise of a survival film whose ending was not immediately apparent the moment the initial concept of the film was revealed.

Eighteen days into the Ares III exploration of Mars, NASA suddenly detects a storm that will sweep over the mission's landing site. The crew of the lander is notified minutes before the storm hits and they evacuate the land station for the lander. In the process of struggling through the storm, astronaut and mission botanist Mark Watney is impaled by a transmitter antenna and blown back. Mission Commander Melissa Lewis opts to save the remaining crewmembers by lifting off after trying everything they can to search for him in the space of a minute. The rocket lifts off and the next morning, Watney wakes up to his suit's oxygen alarm going off. He makes it back to the shelter, removes the metal that pierced him and his suit and he resolves to survive for the four years needed before the next manned mission to Mars arrives. He builds a greenhouse, creates a water supply, and plants potatoes.

On Earth, NASA's director Teddy Sanders declares Mark dead and the director of the Ares project, Vincent Kapor starts to look ahead on funding the subsequent missions to Mars. When Mindy Park at the satellite station on Earth notices movement at the Ares III landing site, Kapor and Sanders work to control the narrative and figure out how they may best help Watney out. Sanders remains adamant that the crew of the Ares III not be told Watney is alive (as they are not equipped to mount a rescue mission and NASA does not want to risk losing them in such an attempt). Months in, though, Watney tries to figure out how to get to the Ares IV landing site (some 3500 kilometers away) and how to communicate with Earth (which he does by scavenging the old Pathfinder probe. But as NASA prepares to drop supplies to Watney, the airlock to the greenhouse blows off and Watney's chances of surviving until supplies can arrive plummet. When Chinese scientists step in to assist with the problem of resupplying Watney, the mission has the potential to change and everyone involved is faced with critical choices.

The Martian is a geek's dream for a practical space film that also manages to be entertaining. Until very late in the film, the practical problems are practically addressed. Unlike Gravity which relied a great deal on spectacle, The Martian features scientists who are utilizing mathematics and science to solve problems. The Martian has spectacle, but it is minimized in favor of quiet moments, references to budget problems, and a surprising amount of time where Matt Damon's Mark Whatney talks to himself.

What The Martian does exceptionally well is balance the story of Watney on Mars with the rescue attempts being made by the people on Earth. Initially, Watney's story seems ridiculously simple. He finds himself abandoned on Mars with all of the supplies he actually needs and the moment he sees the first potato plant growing, it's hard to feel a sense of urgency about him being lost in space. In fact, the two biggest plot issues seem to be with the set-up and the solution.

Mark Watney gets left behind on Mars in a very reasonable way. The mission commander makes a tough call and opts to save five lives over prolonging the search for Watney. The storm that causes the initial conflict is incredibly severe and seems to come out of nowhere, such that the team barely makes it from the habitat to the lander ship. That's a tough conceit to buy right off that bat; that NASA either so blunders the weather models or that the Mars team doesn't have weather monitoring instruments of their own forces the film's premise. As well, the moment Watney is discovered alive on Mars, the question becomes how to help him survive or rescue him, which is reasonable. While one might expect a film to not have to address all contingencies, in a film as science-laden as The Martian, it seems odd that no one on screen pitches that Ares IV would come with a more advanced rover to pick Watney up at the Ares III site. Unburdened by the thoughts of how to move himself to the Ares IV site, Watney could have been more cautious and, perhaps, done some things like focus on building a secondary greenhouse to double down on his survival chances.

All that said, The Martian is otherwise gripping. Matt Damon does an excellent job of playing an astronaut who retains his humanity and wry sense of humor in the face of exceptional odds against his very survival. It takes a pretty impressive performer to carry a film on one's own, but Damon pulls it off. Every minute one spends watching Watney try to figure out how to survive is gripping.

Watney's story is balanced - mostly effectively - by the NASA storyline where Teddy Sanders basically acts like the average Star Trek captain and forces engineers to do things faster than they are comfortable and with a seemingly unlimited budget (budget problems are referenced, but what the film lacks is a single, key scene with the American President where Sanders bluntly states that he does not want to be the President who let an American astronaut die in space out of respect for budgetary concerns). Jeff Daniels plays Sanders with credibility, as Chiwetel Ejiofor does as Vincent Kapoor. Kristen Wiig is entirely underused, as are the talents of most of the crew of the Ares III mission. And there is something unsettling, these days, about watching a film where Sean Bean plays a character that has every reason to be expected to survive the film.

Ultimately, with minimal flare, Ridley Scott paints a picture of what space exploration looks like when smart people work together to survive a very basic problem with finite resources. And Scott and Damon make it entirely watchable and entertaining.

For other films featuring Chiwetel Ejiofor, be sure to see my reviews of:
Doctor Strange
12 Years A Slave
Salt
2012
Children Of Men
Serenity
Four Brothers
Love Actually

8.5/10

For other movie reviews, please check out my Film Review Index Page for an organized listing!

© 2015 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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Could Be More Flavorful, Full Circle Ranch Soy Crisps Still Satisfy!

The Good: Decent nutritional benefits, Good ingredients
The Bad: Not as flavorful as they ought to be, Comparatively expensive
The Basics: Full Circle Ranch Soy Crisps are a good treat and a healthy salty snack, but those who love Ranch flavoring are likely to find them a little underwhelming.


My wife has been eating very healthy for years now, so I've been discovering the joys of healthy snacks. The advantage we have is a local discount food store that allows me to find yummy treats for her at lower-than-normal prices. When the discount store got in a shipment that included Full Circle Ranch Soy Crisps, it seemed like it would be a slam dunk for our snacking. My wife loves Ranch flavored things and getting them less expensive makes me happy. But the Soy Crisps are not very ranch-y and at full price, this would not be a great deal for those who are health and budget conscious.

Basics

Full Circle is a healthy food company and before now, I had only reviewed their Chocolate-Enriched Lactose Free Soymilk (reviewed here!) and I was generally happy with the company. Their Soy Crisps are like little rice cake snacks and come in several flavors. The Ranch Soy Crisps are good, but hardly as robust as one might hope.

The Ranch Soy Crisps come in a 3.5 oz. bag that is like a little potato chip bag. The bag holds about seventy-two Soy Crisps. Nineteen Soy Crisps represents a single serving and each of the Soy Crisps are 1 3/4" in diameter by 1/2” thick, mimicking the look and feel of a mini-rice cake. The Ranch Soy Crisps are mostly white with a light powdering on them (which is the Ranch flavoring).

Ease Of Preparation

Eating a Full Circle Ranch Soy Crisps is simple. After removing the Soy Crisp from the package, simply stick it in your mouth. There is no particularly complicated equation to eating this snack; it is an entirely ready-to-eat food!

Taste

The Ranch Soy Crisps smell only mildly of Ranch flavoring. The aroma of the Soy Crisps is lacking in the usual overpowering tanginess one expects from Ranch - even in its scent. Instead, this snack's aroma foreshadows a weak flavor.

In the mouth, the Ranch Soy Crisps are somewhat salty, but mostly dominated by the grainy flavor beneath the very thin layer of Ranch dust. The most potent Soy Crisp I had was covered in the dust and was salty flavored, with a hint of spice like oregano. It entirely lacked the tang and flavor of Ranch.

There is, unsurprisingly, no aftertaste to the Ranch Soy Crisps!

Nutrition

Full Circle Soy Crisps are intended as a snack, not a meal, and they are fairly healthy, more by not having anything bad in them, as opposed to being loaded with a lot of nutrients. Each 28 gram serving of the Ranch Soy Crisps represent a single serving and is nineteen soy crisps. Made primarily of soy flour, rice pieces, and seasoning (made primarily of whey solids) there is nothing in the Ranch Soy Crisps that was unpronounceable. This is a mostly-natural food product with a dietary disclaimer that this flavor contains milk and soy ingredients.

Full Circle's Ranch Soy Crisps have 120 calories, twenty-five of which are from fat. A full serving represents 5% of one's RDA of carbohydrates and these are cholesterol free. There are seven grams of protein to be had by eating a serving of Ranch Soy Crisps. These are not a significant source of any vitamins or minerals, though they do have two grams of dietary fiber.

Storage/Cleanup

As a healthy snack, Full Circle Ranch Soy Crisps remain fresh so long as they are kept in their bag. Opened, they will absorb moisture from the air and become squishy in an unappealing way.

As long as the cakes are sealed, they remain fresh and the only real clean-up for them comes from wiping up crumbs. These do not stain clothes, though.

Overall

Full Circle Ranch Soy Crisps are underwhelming on the flavor front, but make up for it by being both filling and nutritious. Those truly concerned about their health will find them worth picking up, even if they are unlikely to wow consumers.

For other snack reviews, please check out:
Kettle Brand Maple Bacon Popcorn
Combos Sweet & Salty Vanilla Frosting Filled Pretzel Snacks
Carb Conscious Supreme Protein Peanut Butter & Jelly Protein Bar

5/10

For other food and drink reviews, please visit my Food And Drink Review Index Page for an organized listing!

© 2015 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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Best Episode Yet? "Family Of Rogues" Has A Lot To Recommend To Those Who Love The Flash!

The Good: Character moments, Performances, Direction
The Bad: Minutiae, Resolution
The Basics: An impressive outing for The Flash, "Family Of Rogues" raises the bar for the super hero television show!


As a reviewer who loves the science fiction/super hero genre that has spawned from the crossover of comic books into films and television shows, Tuesday nights are a big night for me. Tuesday nights are when both Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. and The Flash air and while I have to wait several hours for The Flash, I review Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. in real time. Last night's episode of Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D., "Devils You Know" (reviewed here!) threatened to up-end one of the trends I've noticed between the two generally unrelated shows: Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. has constantly trailed The Flash with the quality of its episodes. But "Devils You Know" was a rare peak for Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. and it made me think, before even seeing the new episode of The Flash, "Family Of Rogues," that the trend might be broken.

It wasn't.

Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. might have had a wonderful episode, but The Flash had a truly magnificent one. "Family Of Rogues" does what great television ought to do, which is to connect with the viewer and tell a good story that has resonance outside the simple bounds of entertainment. It's a pretty rare thing when I argue against serialized television, but the irony of "Family Of Rogues" is that the few weak spots the episode has is in how it tries to be a part of the larger story of The Flash. The "villain of the week" plotline forces "Family Of Rogues" to virtually neglect "Flash Of Two Worlds" (reviewed here!) and the way the final act tries to incorporate elements of the prior episode into it actually feels cheap for a change (up to and including ending the episode on an almost identical scene to last week's episode). Outside that, the weaknesses in "Family Of Rogues" are incredibly small - though some are painfully obvious.

Opening with Barry working in his lab, The Flash is called by Iris, who is in an abandoned building getting shot at when she calls for help. Barry easily disarms the assailants and rescues Iris, who runs off to write the story she was investigating. Returning to S.T.A.R. Labs, Barry and the team look over the wormhole in their basement. Unable to pass through the breach, Jay proposes that they stabilize the breach so he can return home. Joe meets Iris's mother, Francine, in a bar and tries to pay her off to leave town once and for all. At Jitters, Barry runs into Patty Spivot and is hanging out with his friends when Lisa Snart walks in and bumps into Cisco. Lisa actually want the help of The Flash, claiming Leonard has been kidnapped and the team brings her back to S.T.A.R. Labs to enlist his help.

Barry attempts to rescue Leonard Snart, only to discover Captain Cold is working with his own father. Lewis Snart is a bad guy and when Barry confronts Leonard a second time, Captain Cold threatens to out Barry as The Flash. Soon, the team realizes that Leonard is working against his own personal code because Lewis has implanted a bomb in Lisa. As the S.T.A.R. Labs team works to defuse the bomb in Lisa, Barry infiltrates Lewis's heist team to control the situation and keep tabs on Captain Cold and Lewis.

"Family Of Rogues" is hampered by a big plot conceit at the outset. When Lisa Snart shows up, the team does not trust her. In "Flash Of Two Worlds," Dr. Snow gave Jay Garrick a physical examination and a de facto lie detector test. When Lisa approaches the team for help, they assume she is a liar. Time does not seem to be a factor in the caper - the team is out for coffee at the beginning of Patty's work day and it's night when Barry encounters Leonard, so . . . - so it makes no real sense that they don't hook Lisa up to the S.T.A.R. Lab equipment. Which would have allowed them to discover the explosive in her right away. But, it also would have allowed them to discover if she was lying.

One of the intriguing aspects of "Family Of Rogues" is that, despite being heavy with Joe West and Captain Cold, in many ways this is the first proper episode to focus on Lisa Snart. Lisa and Cisco continue to build their relationship and it actually works. Cisco had an initial physical attraction to Lisa in the prior season and here they connect based on their family situations. Lisa has a loyalty to Leonard, much like Cisco has to his family; Cisco empathizes with the pain Lisa has that is tied to her family. In "Family Of Rogues," Lisa Snart is characterized as a survivor of child abuse (in the books, it is usually presented with even darker motivations from Lewis Snart) and Cisco, being sensitive and empathetic, wants to come to her aid.

The serialized elements in "Family Of Rogues" feel very organic. The episode's Joe plotline focuses on Joe wrestling with how to tell Iris that her mother is still, actually, alive. The plot conceit could come across as one of the cheapest soap opera tactics of all time, but The Flash pulls it off. Much of that, arguably, comes from the strength of actor Jesse L. Martin. Martin makes Joe's moralizing engaging to watch and his confession to Iris absolutely tearjerking. Seriously, I teared up watching Joe West tell Iris the story of her mother and the painful decisions he made to try to keep her safe. Candice Patton's reactions are wonderful, but Jesse L. Martin makes telling the story spellbinding and heartbreaking.

At the other end of the spectrum, "Family Of Rogues" has charming scenes that feature Barry Allen and Patty Spivot. As a little advanced "fuck you!" to viewers from the producers of The Flash, the scenes Barry and Patty have are chock full of chemistry. Grant Gustin and Shantel VanSanten have amazing on-screen chemistry and their banter is the foundation of a great potential love story. The "screw you" to fans is coming, though, because the storytelling conceit that is very clearly being employed by the producers and writers is delay and then reversal. In the first season of The Flash, Barry's feelings for Iris were revealed to all of the key players in the relationship. At the outset of the second season, Iris is still mourning the loss of Eddie, but when The Flash rescues her at the beginning of "Family Of Rogues," it has the appearance that Iris might well be ready to move on. So, to keep Iris from falling in love with Barry, the resurfacing of her mother is thrown in as a plot/character complication. If the producers tread down this entirely predictable path, Barry and Patty will develop a relationship which Iris will then muck up at the last minute because she'll finally be through mourning her loss of Eddie and whatever complications her mother throws at her.

The banter between Barry and Leonard Snart is similarly wonderful and "Family Of Rogues" goes a long way to making Snart a viable protagonist for the new spin-off. Wentworth Miller has the ability to headline a television show, so the limitations of watching a show that would feature Captain Cold has been more in the character than its lead performer. "Family Of Rogues" allows Miller to smirk his way through chemistry with Grant Gustin and glower his way into the back of Michael Ironside (Lewis Snart). Miller makes it work.

Despite the way "Family Of Rogues" stuffs in the last-minute shot and keeps Jay Garrick around in the lamest way possible (Dr. Snow's mourning for Ronnie is clearly over!), the episode is well-preformed, wonderful with its dialogue and moves the characters forward incredibly well. Despite the references to other episodes of The Flash, this might well be the essential episode for those who want to peek in on the series to watch!

For other works with Michael Ironside, check out my reviews of:
Stay
X-Men: First Class
Terminator Salvation
Total Recall
V: The Television Series
V: The Final Battle

9/10

For other movie and television reviews, please visit my Movie Review Index Page for an organized listing!

© 2015 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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Purely Nostalgic, Not Functional, The 2015 Big Box Of 64! Hallmark Ornament Is Awesome!

The Good: Adorable, Well-rendered, Good balance
The Bad: EXPENSIVE!
The Basics: The 2015 "Big Box Of 64! Crayola Crayons" ornament is worth it for those who love art, but Hallmark makes us pay!


One of the delightful thing about marriage is that one's spouse - even after years of being together - may still have the capacity to surprise. In my case, before Ornament Preview Weekend back in July, I handed my wife the Hallmark Dream Book and said, "please, make it easy on me this year." Last year, I got her a reusable Christmas tree and now she seems quite happy with the idea of making sure it gets covered in ornaments she'll love year after year. When I went through the Dream Book with her, I found myself very surprised. In addition to her not circling the Ariel's Thingamabob's ornament (reviewed here!), she had circled the Big Box Of 64! Crayola Crayons ornament. I was pretty surprised . . . and even more surprised when that was the first one she wanted as "payment" for the day out getting ornaments on Preview Weekend!

The 2015 Big Box Of 64! Crayola Crayons ornament is a cute ornament that looks exactly like what it is supposed to. Those who grew up doing art and using Crayola Crayons will probably be as drawn to this adorable ornament as my wife was (I'm still surprised it has sold out at so many of my local Hallmark stores!). And, the truth is, despite the initial price, it's worth it for the nostalgia value.

Basics

The Big Box Of 64! Crayola Crayons ornament is an ornament that features a box of crayons that opens up to reveal sixty-four different colored crayons (they are not actually crayons, nor are they removable). The box is the iconic goldenrod and olive green Crayola box that I recognize from growing up in the 1980s (and it was probably around even before that!). The ornament, released in 2015, is a standard-release ornament that came out during Ornament Preview Weekend and seems to be selling out at many Hallmark Gold Crown stores.

Hallmark made a wonderful attempt at a precise execution of the ornament with the Big Box Of 64! Crayola Crayons ornament. The simple hinged box top is made of a remarkably solid plastic and seems as durable as any Hallmark Keepsake ornament. Measuring two and five-eighths inches tall, three and one-eighth inches wide and one inches thick, the "Big Box Of 64! Crayola Crayons" ornament is a medium-sized Hallmark ornament that is deceptively light. Unfortunately, this is also one of the proprotionally more expensive Hallmark ornaments. It originally retailed at $17.95, which is a lot for an ornament that does not have a light or sound feature. One supposes it was costly to make all the colors of crayons and license the Crayola name . . . but still, it seems expensive.

The Hallmark "Big Box Of 64! Crayola Crayons" ornament is made of thick plastic for the case and the crayons seem sharp (but not painfully so). Hallmark cheated the crayons by only producing the front side of each crayon, but the illusion brilliantly holds. Hallmark even included the hole on the back where the sharpener would go (though there is no sharpener there).

Features

As a Hallmark Keepsake ornament, "Big Box Of 64! Crayola Crayons" could have a sound effect, but it does not. That makes some sense as there is no iconic sound to these crayons, so it's forgivable. One wishes the ornament would have been less costly as a result, though!

Balance

As with all ornaments, the intent of the Hallmark Keepsake "Big Box Of 64! Crayola Crayons" ornament is to be hung on a Christmas tree. And the "Big Box Of 64! Crayola Crayons" ornament is a good option for anyone who likes children's artwork. The ornament has the brass hook loop embedded into the center of the front of the hinged top. From that point, the Big Box Of 64! Crayola Crayons is very well-balanced, allowing the ornament to hang with the box open and the crayons inside perfectly visible.

Collectibility

Hallmark Keepsake began delving into the collectibles market in 1991 with Star Trek when it introduced the exceptionally limited edition original U.S.S. Enterprise ornament (reviewed here!). Within a few years, every major franchise from Star Wars to A Nightmare Before Christmas to Indiana Jones started making Hallmark ornaments. "Big Box Of 64! Crayola Crayons" is a non-genre ornament that is not part of an annual series. Given how fast it has sold out at many of my local Hallmarks, despite my believing its initial price is high, it has real investment potential as the target audience seems unphased by the price! This might actually be a good ornament investment in the long term.

Overview

Fans of cute ornaments, children's artwork, Hallmark ornaments, and generic Christmas ornaments are likely to find the Big Box Of 64! Crayola Crayons ornament worthwhile; it has rapidly become my wife's favorite ornament of the year!

For other non-genre Hallmark ornaments, please check out my reviews of:
2015 Happiness Makes Magic ornament
2015 Season's Treatings ornament
2015 Black Barbie Celebration ornament

8.5/10

For other ornament reviews, please visit my Ornament Review Index Page for an organized listing!

© 2015 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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Lash Drops Into An Already Crowded Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D.: "Devils You Know"

The Good: Moments where character is actually explored, Some wonderful performance moments
The Bad: None of the plots sufficiently develop
The Basics: "Devils You Know" moves around the increasingly large cast of Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D., though none of them get particularly far.


As a fan, generally, of the works of Joss Whedon, watching the development of Marvel's Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. has become somewhat agonizing. Fortunately, every once in a while the show manages to surprise its viewers - especially the Whedon loyalists - and despite the general banality of the episode "A Wanted Inhu(Man)" (reviewed here!), the episode ended with a bang that reminded viewers just why they fell in love with most of Joss Whedon's works. Because of that, it is pretty much impossible to discuss "Devils You Know" without discussing the climax of the prior episode.

"A Wanted Inhu(Man)" ended with a focus on Simmons, who was recently rescued from an alien dimension. Fans of Whedon's works might have feared that Simmons would just take the same initial arc as Fred on Angel, but the last moment with Simmons ended with a revelation . . . that Simmons wanted to get back to the alien dimension. That type of reversal has been in short supply on Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. but it was enough to do something for "Devils You Know" that few Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. episodes have done for me: I anticipated the episode. For the first time in a long time, I was excited about what might come next on Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D..

After a week of waiting to see what would follow Simmons's big revelation and the promos that teased the Inhuman Lash returning in a big way, "Devils You Know" doesn't disappoint, but it's a pretty huge tease for the next episode, more than being an impressive episode in its own right.

The episode opens with a pair of Inhumans cooking dinner when Alisha arrives to let them know that the Terrigen crystals have been unleashed. Lash appears in the apartment to kill the Inhumans, killing one of Alisha's duplicates in the process. Daisy and Mack go after Lash while the rest of the team cleans up the crime scene. Fitz and Morse continue to find it difficult to work with one another, but Mack and Daisy track Lash until they run into the ATCU team. Rosalind Price goads Coulson, though it seems this is the first time she has encountered Inhumans who have been living among mundanes who were Inhuman before the Terrigen mist was released.

At HYDRA's headquarters, Ward and Kebo prepare for their next big mission. Hunter prepares to accompany Kebo on the mission and he plans to kill Ward, though May objects to how he is pursuing the leads to get him closer to Ward. Daisy discovers that the dead Inhumans had a computer virus that allowed Lash to track them and Coulson orders her to share the information with the ATCU. Dr. Garner counsels Simmons, who is struggling to re-integrate at the base, but she is reticent to discussing her feelings. Coulson confers with May, who tells him Hunter's plan. After conferring with the ATCU, Coulson and Price create a joint mission, which puts Daisy in danger from an Inhuman who has the power to recognize other Inhumans. As Daisy and Mack encounter Lash, Hunter gives Coulson a clue as to Ward's whereabouts and S.H.I.E.L.D. mobilizes to take him out.

By this point, Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. is packed with so many characters that the strategy for the third season seems to be to create ensemble episodes for every episode. In other words, it does not appear that there will be a "Coulson episode" one week and a "Daisy episode" the next. Instead, it seems like every character is being given about two minutes before the focus shifts to another member of the ensemble. This is unfortunate in "Devils You Know" because in order to accommodate the increasingly uninteresting Ward plotline, the character of Dr. Andrew Garner is getting under-used.

"Devils You Know" might have the longest continuous scenes with Garner as he observes Alisha and counsels Simmons . . . and then interacts with May. Garner could easily carry an episode and actor Blair Underwood certainly has the talent to rock an hour and have a solid storyline of his own, but he's being peppered into the season. Unfortunately, the "next big surprise" is hardly that; in the prior episode, Ward seeded the son of one of the high-ranking HYDRA operatives into Garner's class, so it seems like the thread is going to have Garner being used as a way for Ward to get to May. The character and the actor deserve more than just being an accessory or tool in one of Ward's machinations. At least the producers do not drag that out excessively.

"Devils You Know" marks the return of the Inhuman Alisha, who was introduced in last season's episode "Scars" (reviewed here!) and given that The Flash and the X-Men films had a character with the same essential ability, it's not like most fans were dying to see her again. Alisha has the ability to multiply herself and that ability is used in an engaging way at the episode's outset. But, like the other characters, Alisha is soon put on the back burner, which makes her feel like more of a plot device than the episode fitting into a larger character arc.

Much of the conflict in "Devils You Know" comes from Coulson's S.H.I.E.L.D. team interacting with Rosalind's ATCU team. Price's people do not trust Daisy and this episode does one thing remarkably well. In providing Dwight Frye, the Inhuman "divining rod," with dialogue, the Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. corner of the Marvel Cinematic Universe is getting pretty packed. Within the episode, there are four organizations - S.H.I.E.L.D., the ATCU, HYDRA, and Lash's loose conglomeration (we have no reason to believe that Dwight is the only person working for Lash). While in the larger context of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, this is hardly a big deal, it's a lot to get squeezed into a forty-three minute episode.

Arguably, one of the best scenes in "Devils You Know" is a simple one between Bobbi Morse and Simmons. But the moment gets lost when Morse once again defines herself by her relationship with Hunter.

The episode's climax is a good one - though the conceit of the mercenary who barely ever hits his mark is a pretty tired one. While the hope viewers might have had at the end of the prior episode might have been to truly delve into Simmons, "Devils You Know" seems to act as a bridge between Simmons's revelation and her explanation. The episode packs a lot of plot into it, but with so many plotlines, none are serviced as well as they could be.

"Devils You Know" does not disappoint, but it could have been fleshed out into a single double-long episode and made viewers care even more about each of the elements in it.

For other works with Constance Zimmer, please visit my reviews of:
House Of Cards - Season 2
The Newsroom - Season 2
House Of Cards - Season 1
Boston Legal - Season 3

[Knowing that single episodes are an inefficient way to get episodes, it's worth looking into Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. - The Complete Third Season on DVD or Blu-Ray, which is also a better economical choice than buying individual episodes. Read my review of the third season here!
Thanks!]

8/10

For other Marvel movie, television season and episode reviews, please check out my Marvel Cinematic Universe Review Index Page for a listing of those reviews!

© 2015 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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Seasonal Delight, Bath & Body Works Pumpkin Cupcake Anti-Bacterial Hand Gel Works!

The Good: Appears to work, Easy to apply, Great scent
The Bad: Expensive
The Basics: The Pumpkin Cupcake Anti-bacterial Hand Gel from Bath & Body Works is one of the scents worth picking up!


Every now and then, it's nice to find a winner among the new line of Bath & Body Works Anti-Bacterial Hang Gels. Their seasonal lines are, sometimes, hit or miss, but this year one of their new scents has grabbed me completely. It's Pumpkin Cupcake and it is currently available as part of the autumn line of Anti-Bacterial Hand Gels. Bath & Body Works has recently redesigned their PocketBacs (arguably to sell newly-shaped accessories, grumble!) and the Bath & Body Works Pumpkin Cupcake Anti-Bacterial Hand Gel is the first from the redesigned, seasonal line I've tried . . . and liked!

For those who are unfamiliar with the recent trend in personal hygiene, Anti-Bacterial Hand Gels are like liquid soap. You drop a few drops of a gel onto your hands, then rub your hands together and the gel evaporates, killing bacteria on your hands. Also, it has the tendency to clean off mild amounts of dirt. It's a convenient way to clean your hands and keep them sterile while on the run or around a lot of sick people. Or when you're not around water or when you're trying to interact with people you don't want to get sick; there are a ton of times one might want to use these!

Honestly, anti-bacterial hand gels are genius. The more I learn about the current trend in the spread of communicable diseases, the more I want to use them pretty much constantly. I could come up with literally a thousand places and times I've used anti-bacterial hand gels. Anti-bacterial hand gels are essentially biological weapons against bacteria that are convenient, easy to use and basically make living in a first world country great.

Pumpkin Cupcake scented anti-bacterial hand gel from Bath & Body Works features a scent that is pretty simple. It smells like pumpkin spice - pumpkin, cinnamon, and nutmeg - but with a somewhat muted aspect to it that, I suppose, represents the cupcake it is supposed to embody. This 1 oz. PocketBac plastic bottle holds a fluid that smells wonderful and is instantly evocative of autumn. The amber fluid never smells like isopropyl alcohol alone, even though that is a primary ingredient in the gel.

Pumpkin Cupcake anti-bacterial hand gel comes in a pocketbac bottle for $1.75, $.99 on sale. The fluid is translucent yellow-orange with tiny dark purple flecks in it. The globs don’t seem to do anything.

The bottle is a ovaloid shape that fits in the hand rather easily. The flip-top lid makes it easy to open and close the bottle with one hand. This is especially convenient because if you believe you need to sterilize your hands, odds are you will not want to touch many things until you've done. The ability to manipulate the bottle with one hand while getting the product out is a good selling point.

The bottle recommends a dime-sized drop to sterilize one's hands. That seemed to work for me and when applying this gel.

Pumpkin Cupcake anti-bacterial hand gel does not dry out the skin and it leaves the hands smelling vaguely like pumpkin, which is nice this time of year. When not on sale, these still seem a little pricy, but they are worth it!

For other Bath & Body Works anti-bacterial hand gels, please visit my reviews of:
Dazzling Diamond
Midnight Pomegranate anti-bacterial hand gel
Stress Relief Eucalyptus Spearmint

8.5/10

For other health and beauty reviews, please check out my Health And Beauty Product Review Index Page for an organized listing!

© 2015 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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Low Stakes And Flashbacks That Steal The Show Mar "The Girl Who Died!"

The Good: Character moments, Good performances
The Bad: Dull plot, Somewhat pointless adversary
The Basics: The next Doctor Who two-parter starts with "The Girl Who Died" and gets the pairing off to a mediocre start.


Before the current season of Doctor Who began, there was a great deal of excitement over the casting news that was leaked. Doctor Who fans were thrilled that one of the two-parters in the season would feature Maisie Williams. Williams is (so far) best known for her portrayal of Arya Stark in Game Of Thrones (Season 1 is reviewed here!). After months of pointless speculation on the role that Williams would play, she was revealed to be playing a guest star in the two part episodes "The Girl Who Died" and "The Woman Who Lived." "The Girl Who Died" has now aired and one has to hope that the second part uses Williams better.

Almost entirely disconnected from the prior episode, "Before The Flood" (reviewed here!), "The Girl Who Died" is one protracted set-up episode that is almost entirely overshadowed by the use of past footage. Peter Capaldi, who has taken up the mantle of The Doctor, appeared in the prior episode "The Fires Of Pompeii" a few years ago, while David Tennant and Catherine Tate shared the TARDIS. "The Girl Who Died" rehashes the epiphany The Doctor had when interacting with Capaldi's prior character and suggests to the current incarnation of The Doctor just why he chose the face he did.

Opening in space where Clara's space suit is infested by an alien parasite, The Doctor distracts Clara long enough to escape the TARDIS's attackers and rescue her. The Doctor has the desire to clean his shoes off after killing the parasite and lands the TARDIS on ancient Earth in a Viking village. The Doctor and Clara are quickly captured by Vikings and taken back to their village. There, The Doctor attempts to impersonate Odin . . . when Odin appears above the village and abducts the strongest warriors in the crowd. Clara and the young woman, Ashildr, are taken as well.

Clara and Ashildr find themselves aboard an alien vessel, where the Vikings are being harvested for their testosterone. Clara and the girl manage to escape and they confront Odin and his armored alien warriors. Clara is about to get Odin to leave when Ashildr throws down the gauntlet with the false god. Odin sends the pair back to the village and gives them a day to ready for battle with ten of his warriors. The Doctor tries to convince the villagers to flee, even listening to a baby's mournful cry to try to change their minds, but Ashildr and her people remain adamant. The Doctor begins training the villagers to fight while trying to come up with a way to defeat the Mire.

It is always refreshing to see character development on Doctor Who and "The Girl Who Died" actually has some character development, even if it is somewhat rehashing the past. At one point, Donna Noble convinced The Doctor to save a single Roman family and the current incarnation of The Doctor suddenly recalls the valuable lesson he once learned, that there is merit in saving even a single human life. The Doctor applies that lesson to Ashildr and the viewer has to wonder what the hell makes he so special. The Doctor explains it to Clara blithely in the episode as deja vu in reverse. But there is nothing particularly special about Ashildr and given how the Doctor's adoring fan, O'Donnell, was pointlessly killed proximate to him in the prior episode, it seems like rubbing salt into the wound that he has the remembered epiphany in this episode.

In fact, outside the big epiphany, The Doctor seems very un-Doctorly in this episode. The entire prior season was peppered with The Doctor loathing soldiers until he begrudgingly took the role of Commander in the season finale. After briefly encouraging the villagers to flee, The Doctor takes up the mantle of drill sergeant with remarkably little internal conflict.

"The Girl Who Died" is further marred by the sudden conceit of The Doctor's Almanac. Out of nowhere (apparently) The Doctor produces a diary of the alien races he's met over 2000 years in order to identify the Mire. Why? Because he is separated from the massive database aboard the TARDIS for the episode (it's a two-day hike/boatride away). From this, we are meant to believe that The Doctor is frantically navigating the TARDIS, rescues Clara and after landing the TARDIS on Earth, while he is fairly desperate to get the dead sprite off his shoe, he grabs his diary and sticks it in his coat pocket, where there is also a yo-yo and his sonic sunglasses.

All that said, "The Girl Who Died" has interesting character development. The episode continues the seeding of Clara as a bisexual or sexually open-minded (in the season premiere, she referenced Jane Austen as a "good kisser" and in "The Girl Who Died" she offers to fight The Doctor for Ashildr), but the more interesting bits come in The Doctor's scenes where he simply talks. He talks to Clara about the value of life and the responsibilities of time travelers, he talks with Ashildr about the impending fight. The current Doctor is written with some incredibly good lines that are well-delivered by Peter Capaldi, even if they do not add up to a good, solid or cohesive story.

Maisie Williams is fine as Ashildr, but in "The Girl Who Died," the character is utterly unremarkable. The longer "The Girl Who Died" went on, the more the viewer wonders just how the hell the episode will be made a two-parter. The answer is in Williams and the constancy of her character. "The Girl Who Died" is not horrible, but it is simplistic and puts a lot of pressure on the second part to justify the use of such an unimpressive character for two episodes. While Ashildr's bland character is not Williams's fault, portraying her does not use much of the actress's talents, which makes one hope that the second part will utilize her better.

For other works with David Schofield, please check out my reviews of:
Valkyrie
Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End
Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Gladiator

[Knowing that single episodes are an inefficient way to get episodes, it's worth looking into Doctor Who - The Complete Ninth Season on DVD or Blu-Ray, which is also a better economical choice than buying individual episodes. Read my review of the sophomore season of Peter Capaldi as The Doctor here!
Thanks!]

5/10

For more television reviews, please check out my Television Review Index Page for an organized listing!

© 2015 W.L. Swarts. May not be reprinted without permission.
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